"TAINT SO" cancer

Change

2009-01-29T09:07:00.000-08:00

Why do you think it is, we dislike change so much?

I can say for myself, it is usually fear of the unknown. I was talking with a friend the other day about relationships and how they change. When they do most often we feel pain. Why is this happening to me, what did I do to deserve this?

I am finding when I can remove my personal feelings and realize that it has nothing to do with me, I am better able to glean what is best for me. I forget this lesson from time to time and then am reminded at the next opportunity for change.

I am responsible for my happiness and no one else s. To many times in my short life I have spend more time doing what ever I could to make you happy, only to find that I was more unhappy than you. One of my favorite people told me once "Honey you can't give water out of an empty well."

How true is that. One of my favorite passages out of a book I read is the greatest gift I can give anyone is to be happy. Today I know when I do that, I give you permission to do the same.

To put it yet another way "I can't breathe for you." I love that line.

Celebrate your success today, the first one might be your took a breathe for you today. Another might be when you looked someone in the eye and said hello, I love you, or just have a nice day. Success is best measure in LOVE, not wealth.

Love today and start with yourself. Change is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Blessings
Allen

Honesty

2008-11-20T10:11:00.001-08:00

Honesty

What does honesty really mean today? I have been thinking a great deal about how easy it is to tell someone what I think they want to hear rather than what is really in my heart. I am a true believer in speaking things as thought they are. I am also a believer in speaking what I want into being as well.
Where does that leave us with honesty?

How many times in my life has a friend talked about something in their lives and I have told them what I think they want to hear. There was a time in my life when my friends and family talked to me because they knew I would be honest and upfront with them. It didn’t mean that I was right and they were wrong it just meant that I was willing to be honest about what I was feeling as I listened to them.

I have been reading about intentional listening. I think it is of equal importance to be an intentional speaker as well. Mean what I say and say what I mean. I am reminded of something my Mom told me years ago. Honey, I can’t hear a thing you are saying, because you actions are speaking so much louder. Is that still true today?

I would rather hear from a friend who is really hurt with me, their true feelings rather than find out third hand from someone else about their true hurt. I have found myself in that situation now, not only do I have to deal with the original hurt, I have to also deal with the fact I choose not to be honest about it.

Don’t get me wrong it takes great courage to tell someone you are hurting and not go into blame. It also takes and open mind to hear that something you may have done has in someone hurt someone you love very much. It is some much easier to deal with, when honesty and love is my intention.

To each of you, I live the intention to be honest, and loving in my listening, and speaking with each of you.

I love you
Allen

How Fit am I?

2008-06-12T06:46:00.001-07:00

How Fit am I?

This morning meditation gave birth to the thought about Spiritual Fitness. Over the last few months I have put on a few extra pounds, as I have not been as active as I once was. As I begin to give thought to becoming more active, to exercise more and get into a routine that feels better for me, I had a new thought. How do I notice when I am not in top spiritual fitness?

I begin to notice my physical fitness when my clothing is tighter than usual, or that I feel fatigued when walking up a flight of stairs. Or perhaps my doctor has told me that my blood pressure is up, or my sugar levels are higher than normal. Or perhaps I have looked in the mirror and been honest with myself. Then I asked what are the signs of needing more spiritual fitness? What are the signs that tell me that I have excess weight spiritually or mentally?

I was chatting with a friend on the computer this morning that is a morning person as well and they asked me why aren’t you meditating? I stated that I wasn’t there yet, I did my devotion readings, and exercise on abundance, then meditation, followed by my morning prayer with my prayer partner. An Ah Hah moment shall we say. I begin to realize that I had a spiritual fitness program in place.

I have to be honest I have most of my life put the focus on being physically fit, after all that is what I show to the out side world. Over the last few years I have changed my routine to going to the gym in the morning before work. My thought process was that if I started with myself that what fell off my plate at the end of the day was something other than me. Again this is my routine.

It wasn’t until cancer that I begin to think about my spiritual fitness. I begin to think of what I had in place to help me through this journey? It was at that time that I put my Spiritual exercise into place. Today I find myself seeking balance, and looking for the signs that might suggest that I need to focus on one area more.

Since starting this spiritual fitness program, I ask myself what is the first thing I think of when I wake up? What do I do when I find myself surrounded by gossip? How do I react to someone cutting me off in traffic? Am I feeling excluded, or included? What am I reading? What am I looking at on TV?

I find that the world we live in is very ready to tell us when we need to check in on physical fitness and the signs that you are not taking care of yourself physically. I am reminded of what one of my friends said I am only taking applications from folks who are taking care of themselves. I no longer have the need to fix others. Today I am seeking the balance with where I am spiritually in my fitness as well.

I love you
Allen

What would happen if I just experienced NOW?

2008-05-02T08:48:00.001-07:00

What would happen if I just experienced NOW?

How many times have I said it doesn’t matter, knowing that I want every detail of every minute placed on my desk with a full itinerary all laid out. What would happen if I didn’t make the bed today? Would the bed fall apart? Would the fashion police come by and arrest me? Would the anxiety drive me crazy until I did it in need of order in my life?

All of this may seem like some crazy way too look at things, however I lived my life this way for over 40 years. I would say I didn’t want to know what we were going to do, and yet I would then set up to plan, organize, and full the free time with things to do, places to go and site to see. What would actually happen if I just enjoyed the now?

Have you ever had a friend give you a gift on a day when you least expected it? I would sit there with this item in front of me with excitement, joy, wonder, and the pleasure of not knowing what is it? Yet with each new day I would wake up and want God’s cliff notes on what the day held in store for me. I mean really what would happen if I just decided to wake up and be happy.

I am sitting in traffic thinking about all the things I could, would, should be doing; or could this be an invitation from God to take the next exit and explore life? Live in the now, the plan will always be there waiting for me to pick it up when I am ready. All my life I have had the plan for my life and to be honest yours as well.

I am so excited about a trip I am taking in a couple weeks with a very dear friend of mine. We chose to build in safety things like a place to stay and transportation while there. However for the first time in my life I am choosing to not over plan the trip. Over the last year when I would travel I have started a new game, what is the least amount of items I can take with me? This may not make any sense to some of you and total sense to others.

In the past I would plan a trip and any possible activity to the letter including the perfect shoes and outfit for the day. (Sometimes more than one costume change too) only to find that I didn’t wear a quarter of what I had packed, carried, worried about losing, on the entire trip. Not to mention the worry about it being stolen from the room while I was out seeing the sites. How many other times was I lugging around things in my life not enjoying this moment?

Where was the joy, the pleasure of a new adventure? I had planned it all away. On one of my last trips I took 2 pair of jeans and 5 shirts for 15-day trip to visit my family. I wore only one pair for jeans and 3 of the shirts. Somehow I had clean clothes everyday. I enjoyed the now. It was one of the best trips I have ever taken in my life. I realized on that journey that I often choose to over plan my life. I had more fun playing with my friends and family rather than worrying about did the airline lose my steamer trunk of shoes?

I love order, and I love the gift to organize that I have. I also want to enjoy the present gift that I just received from God. Today, this moment is a present, and what is it? What could it hold inside, how wonderful of God to think of me today. I think I will open it and enjoy the now.

I love you
Allen

Practice makes perfect

2008-04-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

I was sharing at a meeting this week about relationships. Some really interesting things come up for me. I realized that I often get out of them what I am willing to invest. I also realized that often a current relationship brings with it the baggage from the past.

In looking at how I can live a clean and current life, I found that I needed to ask myself about my past relationships. Starting with my parents. Like it or not this is where I learned how to love, evaluate, view the world. Understanding that allows me today to shift my thinking if I choose too. I heard this saying once simple put “I can’t see where I am going until I look at where I have been.”

How many times in my life have I moved to fix a problem, situation? Only to find out once there the theme is repeated. Why is that? Location changed, I remained the same. A friend of mine says “anywhere you move there you are.”

How many times have I traveled the same road and expected it to somehow be different. How many times have I entered into relationships without expectation, if I am really honest with myself never? Some years ago when living in AL I started a new friendship this one was very different. In the beginning of the friendship we sat down and talked with each other about our expectations. What was I willing to invest, what did I bring to the table?

I find that when I take the time to do this I don’t have all of those questions. Where is this going? What do they want from me? What is going to happen once they really get to know me?

I also find with I don’t do this, that I spend a great deal of time thinking, where is this going? What do they want from me, rather than being current and in the present moment.

Life really is after all one big dress rehearsal.
I love you
Allen

Take time to breathe

2008-03-19T09:50:00.001-07:00

Take time to breathe

I am starting a new practice with eating. I viewed a program this week that challenged me to look at how I eat. I find that I am often the first one to finish my food when dinning with friends. I could come up with any number of reasons for why, let’s just say I eat fast. It is like I am in a competition with the others at the table to see who can finish first. The challenge given was to eat with my eyes closed. After each mouthful I am to put my fork down. With intention and conscience of what I am eating enjoy each bit I have in my mouth. Ok time for me to be really honest here, I thought it was a bunch of hogwash.

Truth is I learned a great deal about the way I live my life from this exercise. It was like I was tasting food for the very first time. I could taste the sweetness in the bread. The lettuce was crisp and fresh, I am sitting here now and my mouth is watering thinking about all the flavors I tasted for the first time. Some of you may be thinking why would anyone blog about this? It’s simple really. How I eat is how I live my life.

I starting thinking about how many times in my life I would start a task only to think about how quickly I could finish it. How many things I could put in my day. I am very grateful for my ability to organize, multi task, and the speed with which I do things. The question I am asking myself today is, am I doing it with intention? Am I conscience or am I just going through the motions?

How many times have I been in a conversation with a friend, thinking the entire time about what I am going to say next? Better yet how many times have I been in a discussion with someone in which I am thinking of my next point that will make my way right? Is that really the game I want to play? Is it always about winning? Is it always about being right?

In my morning meditation this thought come to mind. I am so eager to try it out. When I am having a discussion with someone with whom I have a difference of opinion. I want to sit with them face to face holding hands, and then close my eyes. I want to think about my intention, and then restart the conversation. I find that when I am angry, hurt, sad, etc and I touch another person the intensity goes away. In eating with my eyes closed I am finding that I eat less, for I can hear when my body is full. I find that I am savoring the food with which I eat. I find myself excited about the different flavors, textures, and taste.

I know that time is precious, however I seem to make time for the things I want too. Am I enjoying life today or on a race to see if I can get to the finish line first?

I love you
Allen

I am never alone for God is with me!

2008-03-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

I am never alone for God is with me.

This morning was a time for quiet reflection with God. A time where I was still and listened to the voice of God. I remember as a Child I never wanted to be alone. Folks would tell my mother I would never leave home, because I was still connected to her. When I was in my teens I left home, I didn’t feel I could be alone so I would go from one relationship to the other. I didn’t want to hear what the silence had to say to me.

When I was in my early twenty’s I realized that I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I would drink to fit in, to loosen up and be the life of the party. Then the alcohol loosened me up enough to find the anger I had been hiding so long and deep with me. With the help of a very wonderful friend I found recovery; however, I was still so very angry. Here I was in my youth and I could never have a drink again. What ever you did it was best for you not to talk to me about God. God didn’t love me that was very clear to me. I had seen God in action and I didn’t want any part of that.

Close to the end of my first year in recovery I met a wonderful friend named Donald. He and I had entered recovery at the same time. We because fast friends. He was a southern man like me and we had a great deal in common. Donald began to be very sick and after going to the doctor he found out that he had a new disease called AIDS. All at once the anger came back in me full force. Here I had a friend who was on a like-minded journey with me and God was taking him away. What had I done that was so bad that God had this THING with me? For the next year I watched my friends health go away, yet Donald was living life more than I had ever seen anyone live it. He had a faith in God like none I had ever seen.

As Donald and I come to our second year in recovery his health was all but gone. He called me and asked that I come for a visit alone. I did. On that visit he asked that I promise him something, what I ask? This went on for some time and I finally said yes. Donald said “I want you to sing for me when I die”. I said no I can’t. He said you promised and I know you are a man of your word. He also told me that he couldn’t leave until I understood I was worth loving. He said to me I am really tired and I am ready to go home. A few days later he made his transition. I was alone. I was sitting in a church for the first time in like 6 or 7 years. Crying my eyes out. When I stopped and prayed God if you really care about me at all. You will sing for me today, so I can keep my word to my friend Donald.
When it come my time to sing, it was like something took all the tears out of my eyes. I stood up walked to the podium and open my mouth. Out comes a voice I had never heard before. Once the song was complete the tears returned. I sat in my seat with a new understanding. One, God loves me just as I am. Two Donald was willing to lay down his life for a friend to get the message.

That day is just as fresh in my memory today as it was at that moment. Over the next few years I would make many discoveries. I would remember things about my childhood that were hard to look at. I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. I realized that I didn’t know how to let anyone in, for I was so afraid they would leave. So I would cut and run before they had the chance to go. This belief I held on to for many years. I want to state that was my choice no one forced me to do that. I started going to church and making friends, yet I know today I would only allow them in so close.

In the year 2000 I was living in CA and I begin to not feel real well. I went to the doctor to see what was going on. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing or feeling. I knew what I was going to be told. The doctor said you are HIV positive Allen. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was so ashamed. I was so angry with myself. I felt alone again. The doctor suggested that I go on anti depressants and HIV medication. I took the anti depressants yet refused the HIV medication. I chose instead to live in denial. I become numb and I didn’t care. I didn’t feel anything for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel at all.

After a year and 50 pounds I realized I wanted to cry and I couldn’t I didn’t care about my health, my life or the way I looked. Then I remember Donald. I went to the doctor and said I want to come off this medication. I want to cry. It was almost a month later when I was driving down the road the tears washed over me. I didn’t feel alone any more. I was still in denial about my health status. I began to work out, eat better and take care of my physical body.

A few years later I would go to the doctor again, not feeling well. He once again asked me to go on medication. I agreed. Within a month I developed a growth on my neck. I went to the doctor and said this is why I didn’t want to go on medication. What is this? He said let’s wait a few days and see what happens. The growth got larger. He scheduled me for a biopsy.
I was on my way to a world AIDS day event when the call comes in. My doctor said I need to talk to you, can you come by. I said no, tell me what it is. He said you have cancer a very aggressive kind. We talked for about 30 minutes and set up an appointment with him to follow up. I begin to cry.
I wasn’t really sad; I was more numb than anything. Yet I felt peace.

I drove home and sit alone and asked God to talk to me. No TV, No Phone, Nothing just God and me. What do you want me to hear? What do you want me to know? I am willing to listen now. I knew for the first time in my life I wasn’t alone. I felt God with me. I felt an understanding that I could choose to be happy, sad, mad, or glad what ever I wanted. God loved me just as I was.

My pastor asked me the other day, what I want to do now. I said I didn't know yet, God was still revealing that to me. Today I know, I want to share my story. I am not ashamed, and I want everyone to know that God loves you just the way you are. Right where you are. I want to love my brother's and sister's as I love myself. I am willing to allow that love in.

I want to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!!

I love you
Allen

Spring is here, what will I plant in my garden this year?

2008-03-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

Springtime is a time of re-birth and new beginnings. Nature is blooming and life awakes after the rest of winter. I begin to think about all the fresh vegetables, fruit, flowers we would plant when I was a child knowing that come summer we would enjoy the harvest.

In thinking about all the goodness I realized when I would plant corn I knew I would have corn. Then I begin to think I didn’t plant beans expecting them to grow into corn. That is just silly. Yet often I find that I plant resentment in my lift and expect LOVE to grow.

In this time of re-birth I am reminded that in order to have love around me I need to plant love now. I need to care for it, tend it, and weed it of anything unlike love in order to harvest love. I remember that tending my garden takes time; however the blessing that come out of it are amazingly good.

Today I want to give thanks for my family, and for growing up in the country of South GA. Out of that I have learned that which I plant today, I will harvest.

Today I plant Love, Understanding, Grace, Peace, Joy, Friendship, and Forgiveness. What are you planting this year?

I love you
Allen

The Lord is my strength and my salvation tell me whom shall I fear?

2008-02-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

Fear, is the force that leads me to worry, or be at dis ease with what is going on. I have heard that fear is false evidence appearing real.

In listening to a song that has become one of my favorites “The Lord is my strength and my salvation tell me, whom shall I fear?” I began to think about all my friends, and the wonderful things each of them is teaching me. I give thanks today for all of my friends, and the spiritual paths that they are on each one with their own spin on things. The beauty is that I understand today that God is large enough for all of us to have our own journey, and no one get to choose what is right for me expect me. The walk that I am on is so amazing when I quiet myself for a moment, and look at all the love I have around me. Each person in my life is teaching, or has taught me some lesson. In the last month I have watch friends work out things that I didn’t know how they would. I didn’t doubt their strength or desire; it’s I don’t like to see anyone that I love hurt.

I think about God in my life, and how much God loves me. Just as I don’t want to see my friends hurt I feel sure God doesn’t like to see me live in fear. I look back on what I have been afraid of over the last year, and realize when I surrender it all works out. I think fear for me is more about change, or letting go. Being out of control. Funny how the one thing I have control over (my emotions) I allowed fear to be the emotion I chose. The good news for me that in growth comes knowledge. The joy that today I don’t have to live in fear when it arises. Today I know that fear is an emotion a warring bell to let me know that I am thinking some thought that is not serving my well being. At that moment I have a choice to stay on that path, or change my thought process. Does that mean that the situation has changed? Over the last two years I can honestly say not in that moment; however with the change of my thoughts caused a change in emotion. With my change in emotion comes a feeling of well being.

Having spent most of my life living in fear of what if? Today I choose to know that God is my strength and my salvation. Fear is a choice; love and well being are choices as well. Which one serves me better personally? That is where I get to control the situation. I get to choose where I spend my time.

I love you
Allen

Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin in me.

2008-02-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

I was reading a meditation the other day and it really blessed me.
“In order for peace to be possible in the world, peace must be possible first within me”.

I chose to think about that for a couple days. Am I at peace with my family, my friends, and myself? I realized that when I got the cancer call that it was a wake up call. Mortality if you would. I found that I spent a great deal of my time not really thinking about transition. When I speak of cancer today I speak of the fact that it has been the best 2 years of my life. Why? It has helped me to stay current, up to date on my affairs. I have realized that cancer was the diagnosis, the reality was I was allowing my life to eat me alive with conflict or (dis-ease).

I am so thankful today that I had the opportunity to look at what is important. Loving myself, which in turn ripples out to the world. It is my goal in life to be an expression of Love. I think Peace works much the same way. While getting my affairs in order I realized I had to clear a path, and clean up the past. Forgiveness is such a beautiful gift to give. It is one of those one size fits all type of gifts. I had felt that gentle tug at my heart for sometime to let it go. I kept waiting for someone else to make the first move. All the while it was moving in my body. Eating away at my life.

I choose peace and love today. I know that in order for it to be present out side of me that it has to be present within me. After reading the meditation I mentioned earlier it started me thinking about the war in Iraq. I begin to think, what can I do to shift the war? Peace. That is when the song came to me. Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin in me.

I love you
Allen

Where do I spend my time?

2008-01-11T08:43:00.001-08:00

Good Morning Family;

I have had the pleasure of watching God in action for some time now. This last month has been one of those times. I had given my health care situation over to God during one of exercises on allowing God to do God’s work while I did mine. I had the opportunity this last week to really allow that to be.

I had received notice that I owed $3000.00 for last years medical insurance. I had heard all kinds of stories, from so many people. Each time I would just look to God and say this is your business, I am going to watch you work. I asked some questions of the people who had sent me this information and I received an answer yesterday. All I owe is a third of the money. All the past errors of folks handling this will be washed away and I would be current and up to date. That is a true thanks giving in my book.

I really want to talk about where I have been living. I received an email from my friend Major Deb today talking about her new address. (Thank you Deb) Each day I wake up I get to choose where I am going to live today. What I am going to say to folks who cross my path. I get to choose weather I am going to do my work, or try and do God’s. By that I mean do I choose to be the LOVE of God, or am I trying to be God? I have noticed over time that I liked to fix things. In doing that I wasn’t allowing God to show up in my life or the lives of others because I was playing God.

I know today that I am responsible for my happiness, and loving others where they are. The rest is up to God. I can hold your hand, I can listen, but the best witness I can be is to be happy. I have the honor of people asking me about my journey since choosing to be happy. This is really new. I have been in recover for over 19 years and one of the things they suggest is that you look for someone who has what you want and ask them how they got there.

I want you to understand that I am growth in progress; I know today that life shows up. When it does I get to choose. There are times when I live in an old pattern of behavior, and I find myself hurting, or at DIS EASE. When I listen to that quiet voice within, I know I can move to a new address anytime I choose. It really is up to me. Today I know the rest is up to God.

Thank you for being the face of God I get to see each day.
I love you
Allen

A Giift to Myself

2007-12-21T08:45:00.001-08:00

Good Morning Family;

I have started some morning practices that I want to share with you. Each morning when I first wake up I say Good Morning God, and welcome to my day. I then find my way out of bed to my office,where I spend time reading the daily devotional from my church in Oakland.I then take time to write in my gratitude journal something I am grateful for. Then I quiet my mind and meditate allowing God to speak to me. I have found that often I would pray to God,then busy myself with my day's activities, and wonder why I didn't get a response? After my meditation I receive a phone call from my prayer partner who says a prayer for me, and I say one for her. It reminds me that I am surrounded by love, and connected to everyone and everything. ALWAYS!!!!

After this I go down and start my daily walk to build my strength, and today it hit me. This is the gift I give myself each day. When I lived in CA I would wake up each morning and 4:30 AM and go to the gym. I would say to everyone I knew I want to start the day with me, and if something falls off at the end of the day it will be something other than myself. I realize today I had a hint of my awareness that I have today. I cannot share anything that I don't have. I cannot give peace, if I don't have it with in me. I cannot give Love if I don't have it with in me.

I was walking this morning and I realized this is a gift I am giving myself each day. I am choosing to LOVE me. I then realized that my body is a vessel and I get to choose what it holds. So many times in my life I have chosen to hold pain, anger, fear the list can go on. Today I know that I can choose at any time what I focus on, and in doing that I am attracting more of the same. It sounds so very simple, yet it took me 45 years to learn this easy lesson.

I began to think, in each moment if I were treating my loves ones the way I am treating myself right now would they feel loved? Would they want to be in my presence? Would they want a relationship with me? I am so full of gratitude today, for I know at this moment that no matter what live shows me I have the choice in what I see. I have the choice in what I say, do, and think.

Leaning to love myself is allowing me to love another.

I love you
Allen

Forgiveness

2007-12-13T07:48:00.000-08:00

Forgiveness.

I was reading my daily devotional today, which was about forgiveness. It stated that 94% of Americans identify forgiveness as one of their central values. Yet only 48% say they have ever had a forgiving experience. That started me thinking.

Over this past year dealing with the cancers in my life, I really ask myself what is eating me? I can make this about cancer or I can look at where in my life I allow things to eat at me. What injustice was I holding onto so much that I was unwilling to let go of it? I took the time to look at my life and see those relationship that had energy around them and ask myself is this worth holding onto, or am I willing to let this go? I begin to see a pattern in my life of holding on to past hurts and taking it so personally. One of the many books I have been lead to read this year states "don't take it personally" it's not about me. So often I would take on the energy of some one else's stuff. How is that serving me? I realized that I was allowing it to eat me alive. I will state again that this is my personal journey.

Having discovered my pattern I begin a forgiveness campaign. This was for me, and about me. I wanted my life to be clean and clear of resentments, hurt, pain, and even hate. I know today that there is a season for all emotions, I found myself choosing to stand in one place with some of the things in my life. Forgiveness allowed me to move on. One of my favorite saying is "with one foot in the past, and one in the future I am totally missing the PRESENT."

I also discovered it was all about fear. Fear of being hurt, taking advantage of, you fill in the blank. I no longer wanted to live my life in fear, or hatred. The choice for me was forgiveness. I began to call folks, email folks, talk with folks and tell them I didn't care what had taken place in our lives that was unimportant. I wanted them to know that I love them and that was all that mattered to me today. I felt my heart begin to breathe, and love could once again flow freely. When I talk with people about this last year with cancer, I tell everyone it has been the best year of my life. I mean that. The relationships with my family,and friends are rich and current. I didn't want to wake up, or for that matter get to heaven and say, I wish I had done this or that. I wish I had told who ever that I loved them.

Forgiveness allowed my heart the freedom to love again. My purpose in life is to LOVE. I can't do that if I am tied to the past or the future. The greatest gift I have given myself is to be happy, and forgiveness.

This time of year causes many of us to think about what is the perfect gift for who ever. Perhaps forgiveness is the answer, one size fits all, and it is always the perfect fit.

I Love You
Allen

I am the Light

2007-12-06T08:59:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Family

My Dominate Intent today is to LOVE.

I have been sending emails, letters, and cards over this past year talking about choice. Each day that I am given, I have a choice what I do with it. Am I living my purpose, am I loving with all of my heart? Am I Happy everywhere I go? I love looking at little children they are so full of LOVE. Everything to them is an expression of excitement, even anger. They do every activity with every bit of energy they have.

Today, I ask myself, do I do the same? Do I live each moment with all the fullness that life has given me? This last weekend I had the pleasure of doing a play shop about Loving. I learned a great deal about myself, and how I live my life. I am reminded of a quote credited to Nelson Mandela which states,

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I know today that I have been given a style all my own. I need to live that, and embrace it each day I am alive. I was reminded this weekend that so many others are set free to be themselves when I live at full LIGHT!!! Sometimes I would not wear an outfit, or say something because I was afraid of how it might be perceived. Or perhaps someone would say something that would hurt my feelings. Don't take it personally, it is not about me at all. I am the light, showing others the way. Within each of us is the light of God call it what you will, just live it.

Remember the best gift you can give anyone is to be Happy. The rest is up to them.

I love you
Allen

I love you just the way you are!!!!!

2007-11-14T03:57:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Family

What would I want you to know if I could only tell you one thing? Love is the answer to every question you have in life. How many time has it been the most important thing that you see my way, think like I think, or do it my way? Who cares how it gets done as long as you know that I love you and you love me? Who cares if the dishes get washed tonight, I would rather spend time talking with you, and loving you. One of the best questions I am learning to ask myself is, if this were the last thing I get to do with this person what do I want it to be? Was it more important that I wash the dished, or that I spent time loving you? I chose loving you.

Every second of our day we spend making choices, and we live in a world that is so driven by things, money, possession. So often I find that I want to possess people as well. Why do I say that? How many times in my life has it been the most important thing that I was RIGHT? What is that all about? Is there only one path to anything in life? Is there only one way to the supermarket, to the mall, to church, to a loving relationship with God? Am I so busy working on you, because I would rather do that than work on me?

There is within each of us a FEELING, a connection to God and Source that leads us. I know for me today when I am not connected to that, and I don’t make that the focus of my day-to-day life I get out of balance. When I am out of balance it usually when I need to be right about something in my life. I am learning today that I know the answers that are right for me. I just have to take the time to check in and ask myself. A really good indicator that I am off track is when I am in judgment of something you are doing.

How many times has being right kept me from the Love I knew I was supposed to give? How many times would I not talk to you because I was standing in RIGHTNESS about some issue, some injustice. Who was winning here? I have the answer it is within me. If I just take the time to find out. However you arrive at it is up to you. How ever long it takes you to find what you are looking for is up to you. I know today that when I am jealous of you, or something you have that is really has nothing to do with you. It has to do with my relationship with my self and my source. You are just holding up a mirror for me to see how I am treating myself.

When I get mad with you about something it is usually very small in the big scheme of life, however it doesn’t feel that way at the time. What I really need to do is sit down with my self and get it touch with what is going on with me? I find that there is usually somewhere I am not giving to myself what I need. It is just so much easier to put the blame elsewhere. History is an important thing I feel, cause when I look back at all those times I needed to be right, wish the dishes, a month later all I really remember is I missed the time to tell you that I love you. What if that was the last thing I got to share with you? Is that what I want you to remember me for? One of the best things I have learned in living is take the time to breathe. Just stop what I am doing and take a breath in and think about if this was the last thing I ever said to you, is this how I would want to be remembered?

Some of my friends ask me why are I always talking about Love? I usually say that is my purpose here. I want to be a peace with myself, and I know that I can have fun with you and laugh with you, but when it is all said and done I want you to always know that I love you more than anything. If I am love all the time, then I ask what else can come back to me? I spent most of my life living in judgment about what you were doing so just what come back to me? If I want love I need to be love. If I want peace I need to be peace.

I love you just the way you are. Find your way to love. Who cares what anyone things about how you look doing it. At the end of the day, you know that you have loved that day. I will ask you what is more important?

Thank you, for being you. I LOVE YOU just the way you are.

Always
Allen Mosley

Celebrate

2007-11-02T06:59:00.000-07:00

Celebrate!!!

Each day I am given is a present from God. One of the many gifts that have come out of the last year is celebrate today. I am alive, I can LOVE,and I can see what I want to see. I woke up yesterday morning and I really have cause to think about just that. Celebrating life.

I was thinking about a request I had made in a prayer that I would be debt free. After talking to a very wise friend of mine she suggested that I choose different wording. Financial freedom was her suggestion, and I love it. Thank you Trev. I begin to think about what that means to me? As many of you may know I have been out on disability for over a year now, and I had worked very hard to clean up and clear up my credit. When I found out about the "Tant so" cancer I was very fearful to say the least. Not about the illness so much, but about how I was going to live and support myself.

I had years ago filed bankruptcy, and did not want to do that again. I had forgotten my prayer for financial freedom, or was choosing at the time to look at LIFE. I remember stopping at some point when I knew that I was going to have to move from CA and just surrendered. God I don't know what is going to come from all of this, but I do know it is for my GOOD!!!

I have to be honest I had put my focus on things,lifestyle,credit,status more than loving. I see today where I was blocking my good. I had worked hard to clean up my credit, and had done a great job. Yet I had some old hospital bills that were haunting me. I wanted to be free of that, yet how could I will all the bills I was paying in CA? I am reminded of a wonderful saying Rev. E has "God is always working behind my back for my good."

I realized yesterday morning that God through the course of this year had blessed me to clean up and clear up those old bills. This had been something I had wanted for over five years. I realized yesterday morning that I had NOT celebrated it. I realized that so many times in life that I ask for something and it is given. I forget to say thank you in the form of celebration. I am alive today. Celebrate!!!!!! I am financial free today. Celebrate!!!!!! I am clean, clear, and very much ready for the next blessing that comes my way. Celebrate!!!!!!

One of my favorite passages in the bible is Malachi 3:10 which ends in see if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

Each day I am alive is such a blessing, today I want to celebrate and say Thank you.

I love you
Allen

What Could Happen?

2007-10-27T08:21:00.000-07:00

What could happen if I Trusted the Flow?

What would my life be like if I just trusted that my steps are guided and the next thing will take care of itself? Would that free me up to Love more? Would have make it easier to serve my purpose here on earth? What would it be like if I just trusted God to take care of all the little, and big things in life? What would happen if I spent my day Loving every thing I saw?

I have been reading a great book that talks about emotions and allowing them to guide me. I have been an emotional person all of my life. When I was a child in the first grade I cried for two weeks when my mom left me at school, because I didn't understand that she wasn't going away forever. I was made fun of as a child because I cried, and like to play dress up. My Papa hugs were the best thing in the world. My Granny told the best stories and I loved spending time with older people. Loving them was easier to me for some reason. I felt like an old soul in a young body. I always knew that my emotions where mine and I needed to enjoy them all. I always love to sing I would go outside when I was a child and sing so loudly that my grand parents could hear me singing. They lived about a block away. I loved to sing for it was those times I felt peace, oneness with the world, and Love.

As a child I would talk to anyone, one of my favorite stories is my mom talked about how shy she was until I was born. I have the best mom she and I would do everything together. She made a game out of everything, making the bed, cleaning the floors, and my favorite shopping for groceries. She would put me in the cart and we would stroll up and down each lane in the store and I would speak to everyone and I do mean EVERYONE we passed. My mom would tell me not to trouble the other folks they were busy, but I wanted to know each of them. My heart reached out and most of them would reach back, and we would talk or share a laugh. We would stop at the deli counter and the butcher would always give me a piece of cheese. I think that is one of the reasons I love cheese so much today. We would load the groceries in the car and head home. I would stand in the back seat and ask Mama with each car that passed. Mama who is that? "I don't know son" Why not I would ask?

Sunday was my favorite day; I got to sing in church. From the age of two or three my mom and dad would take me to church. When the singing started I would turn around in the pew and sing to everyone behind me. Everybody called me "cotton top" back then. My hair was so blond it was white as cotton. My mom and dad always allowed me to sing my heart out. They always love to listen to me sing. When I was talking to others or singing I always felt so free. Connected one to another.

Some, where along the way I learned to quiet my voice, speak only when spoken too. Don't speak to stranger. In 2000 I found myself so depressed that I went on anti depressants. I was numb. I didn't care about anything but FOOD!!!! After a year I went to the doctor 40 pounds heavier and said I want to feel again. I had not cried one tear in a year. I worked with the doctor and come off the medication slowly. I was at work one day and on my way to pick up my mail when I felt tears on my face. That was one of the happiest days of my life. Why? I was alive. I was able to feel my feelings again. At that moment I vowed that no matter what I wanted to feel how I felt. I could choose what was right and wrong for me. If I was to feel better it was up to me, not anyone else. I cried, I cried, and I cried some more.

Each day was a step through depression into fear, which lead to anger. Blame, and resentment lead to worry and disappointment. Impatience lead to boredom, and then contentment. Optimism lead to belief and positive expectation. Happiness took hold and I began to have Passion, Love, Appreciation, Knowledge, Joy and FREEDOM. Each step was my journey into life. This last year I have been on the fast track. Today I know LIFE is going to happen. What I do with it is up to me. I can choose heaven or hell I have experienced both today. It is my choice to choose. That is FREEDOM.

This all started out with what would happen if I just trusted the flow. FREEDOM. That is what happened for me.

I love you
Allen

Harmony or hurt?

2007-10-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

My friend Max shared a story with me that really touched my heart. It is about a Buddhist principle.

Every Life is like a calm lake surrounded by wonderful loving trees. The people in my life are like visitors to this lake. They can bring Harmony, or hurt to the lake.

Max shared more, and it started me thinking. Think before I speak. I remember when I was a young child I believe in the fourth grade. A teacher taught us the phrase "put your mind in gear before putting your mouth in motion."

I realize today that my words and deeds are energy. Each one should be used to bring harmony, peace, and Love. So many times in my effort to make something better, or "fix it." I come into others lives like a mighty Avalanche.

Is what I am saying at this moment loving you and bringing harmony? Or, am I just wanting you to see my way, and change? I am finding as I love myself more, that needing others to change in order for my happiness, isn't really happiness. Today I choose to be happy just to be happy.

A friend of mine noticed a pair of shoes I was wearing the other day, and I was so happy to tell them about the great deal I got on them. I didn't remember the name of the shop, so I was telling them what it was near. My friend knew instantly where I was talking about and stated the name. I having some other name in mind continued to give more direct, and specific directions to the location of the store. After three times of my friend saying the same name, I realized we were both at the same location we just took different routes to get there.

We both got there; who is to say one or the other is right or wrong? Is it not the lesson that we all get to our destination our on way, and at our own speed? I am so grateful today that I can hear what I am saying. Take the time to day to say Thank you, Please, Your welcome, and I LOVE YOU.

Bring Harmony to the lakes and lives you touch today.
I love you
Allen

My Gift to you

2007-10-23T07:43:00.001-07:00

In thinking what this year has giving to me. The joy of living in the moment. Counting my blessings. Choosing what I look for. Love is always the right choice, no matter what the question is. Believe in myself. Love starts with in. Laugh everyday.

During this time of year is when we start gearing up for the holiday season. We are thinking of so many things, who is coming to visit, what am I going to prepare, looking for the best sales, what pair of shoes to wear. (SMILE)

It was this time last year when I started Medication, and within a month I was told I have cancer. I would have the first of two surgeries, and I would receive the most amazing Gift from God. Love is my purpose. Love is what I am to live each day. Love for every thing. Look for the Good in all things. The only difference between where I am, and where I want to be is CHOICE.

Choosing to be happy today starts with giving thanks, and appreciation for today. I woke up this morning. I am ALIVE. What a great gift. What am I going to do with it today. How can I best spend my time today. Today, I know the answer. The best way to spend my day is Loving. Starting with myself and allowing it to ripple out, knowing that whatever I send out always returns to me.

So, Happy Tuesday Family I LOVE YOU.
Your Brother
Allen

What is your Dominant Intention?

2007-10-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

Good Morning God, welcome to my day. It is my dominant intention today to "be the love of God" to every thing I see, meet, pass, and experience today. It is my intention to enjoy the prosperity and abundance that I see in the color of the leafs, the grains of sand in the concrete and know that each of them is vibrating at it maximum good. They are being an example of how I too, must embrace my life.

I am working on a workshop that I want to give. One of the first things I want to ask everyone. Think about all the things that are here on the planet today, that weren't when you were born? For me, one of the first things that come to mind is the "Internet" and of course the cell phone. Yet, today I often think what we did before this was as it is today?

We dreamed of a day when it would be possible? Did we not? We THOUGHT it into being. Now think about that same question, or better yet ask someone of your parents generation and here what they have to say. I am reminded of the times my parents would say " you children today have it so easy, because".... Today I know that my parents intention was for me to have a better life that they did. Out of that intention comes love, life, dreams, and THOUGHT.

Think about electricity, today we think nothing of turning on a switch and the lights come on. We think as long as we pay the electric bill we will have electricity. Most of us have no doubt in the law of science that makes electricity work, we enjoy that science everyday. Can you just for a moment think of the many jokes each person who thought that electricity was possible might have endured. Yet there was a passion, a knowing within that it was possible. That voice with in that kept saying live your dream.

Now I ask myself, and you. Where do we spend out "THOUGHTS?"

Is it our dominant intention to "be" that which we know we were destined to be, or do we instead live in the fear of ...... you fill in the blank. Think about this every time you use your cell phone today, or every time you look up something on the internet. What is your heart asking you to do, and it that your dominant intention today?

I dream of a day where we all understand that we can each live our dreams. That means I get to focus on what I am thinking, and doing. Not trying to control what you are.

I love you
Allen

Don't miss the Blessing

2007-10-19T06:56:00.000-07:00

Today' s reading has ignited a huge spark in me.

It is as if a small child went to a wise parent and asked," Parent, may I have this good think I desire?" The parents only answer would be, "Yes, you may have it,-here it is."

But supposed the child replied, "my hands are too full to take it now, --put it by for me."

Am I missing the blessing that I have asked for? How many times in my life have I prayed God please take this from me, only to hold on to the thing that much tighter? How many times have I laid it, on the altar only to pick it up again before I go? How many times have I chosen to take the burden rather than the blessing?

The reading goes on to say the circumstances which make us unhappy are so very small, but when held up in front of the eyes blots out the sun.

I am learning this new technique that is really changing my life, when I choose to really put it into action. I have been a planner all of my life. As long as I can remember I had a plan. So for me I love "to do list." Through out the years I have added so many things on my "to do list" that I found it to be overwhelming.

The new practice goes like this. On a piece of paper draw a line down the center of the paper. On the left side write down the things you are actually going to do today. Write only those things you know that you will be able to accomplish. At the top of the list write "things I will do today." On the right side of the paper at the top write "things I want God, or the universe to accomplish." Then load it up with all those things you have wanted to get around too, but haven't. As well as the things you don't see how you can. Those things you may feel are out of reach for you. This is the good part. You then take the paper tear it in half and take only your part, your actual "to do" list. The rest you leave for God to handle.

Some months ago I was concerned about health care. I had received a call from my old employer that stated that my insurance was going to Cobra. I had heard horror stories about what it cost on cobra. I was consumed in fear. I was holding it up in front of my eyes asking what am I going to do about this. I was making a choice. I was choosing fear. I had read in a book about this process and said God I want to change my focus. I got out a piece of paper and wrote down my "to do" list for the day and then the things I wanted God to do. When finished I said a pray and tore the paper in half and began to achieve my half of the list. I really let go of the things I had left with God. I actually threw God's list away. Within hours I received the letter from Cobra and I had insurance and it was only $80.00 more each month than I had been paying. Very easily within my budget.

I am not sure what else I put on the list that day. I do know this. God is on it. My heart lifted that day, and when I feel my list is not within reach, I take out my piece of paper and write down the things I know I can do that day, and then the rest I give to God.

Try it out; see what God will do for you.

Today I remember that I am the only face of God that some folks will see today. What am I showing them?

I love you
Allen

Good Morning Family

2007-10-17T04:55:00.000-07:00

Here I am at 4:53 in the morning writing with great Joy in my heart. Why? Because I can. It is a choice. I chose to make a difference today. To who you may ask? The World. I choose today to listen to that voice with in me saying LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

I woke up this morning hearing, what are you worried about? What am I giving my energy too? Since I was 12 or 13 years old I have been working HARD!!! For what? I had a plan you see. I have been a planner all my life. Work hard all your life build the nest egg,then retire and enjoy it. What about today? I spent all, or most of my time thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be the day when my ship comes in. Tomorrow I will appreciate all the hard work I put in yesterday. What about today? Did I tell my friends, and family that I love them. Did I speak to the person God told me too. Did I give my spare change to the person in need, or was I do busy with my PLAN? Did I listen to the young child asking me a question, or telling me their story, or was I to busy with my plan. TODAY is all I have, what am I doing with it.

You know when I share with folks that I have been diagonalized with Cancer not one type but two, so many feel sad or sorry for me. DON'T I am learning to LIVE in today. I am learning to tell everyone that I love them TODAY. I am learning that the best laid plans sometimes fail. TRUST, LIVE, LOVE. I don't want to suggest that any of you go out and run your credit cards up, or that you live in a way that is our side of your current situation. What I am asking is, are you getting the most out of your current situation? Are you looking for the blessings?

I realize today that all that time I thought I was living, I was missing so many things. Now I don't want to live in the past either, so don't start focusing on that. Have you looked at a tree today? Today I look for BEAUTY, LOVE, PEACE, JOY, HARMONY in everything. I know that every tree has energy and it talking to me. Can I hear it or am I too busy with my plan to listen? This time of year in the North West the trees are changing color, moving in the wind, leaves are dropping, and I realized. This tree is me, the only difference is it is going with the flow. This tree is not worried about what I think about it. It is not worried about will I have enough food to eat, it knows that it is perfect, whole, and complete. It knows that it will product and ABUNDANCE of harvest again soon. I had my plan to live in California the rest of my life. Here I am in Seattle learning from the trees. Go with the flow. Look for the Beauty in each day. When I find myself starting to focus on something in my life that causes me sadness, fear, or despair, I look around me to see where is abundance in my life. I don't have to go far to find it. Today I know it is my CHOICE.

I woke up this morning thinking about GREATNESS. My Greatness. Every time I share LOVE today I am showing my GREATNESS. For at that moment I am sharing God in me, as me. How dare I play SMALL. SHINE, SHINE, SHINE. Go with the Flow.

I love you
Allen

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

Personal Journal 10/15/07

2007-10-15T07:10:00.000-07:00

I know that the real I (God and I) is greater than any experience which may come to me.

Spending time in the morning with God reading the words from the Science of Mind, and the daily quotes from Abraham. Is such a blessing to me. The sentence above is from the Science of mind today. I love it.

It sorta puts in words what I have been living this last year. As I continue on this journey it is so good to know that my steps are orders, and divinely guided. I feel that each of us knows the way. There are times I just choose to listen to something or someone else. I know I often seek the council of a trusted friend, my parents, or mentor. Today I know that the answer I need is with in me. How many times has that still voice with in told you to do something, or say something. I find that when I listen to that still voice which I know as God. That voice, feeling, has never lead me wrong. To be honest when I listen to that still voice I find my journey is pleasant, safe, and secure.

I was listening to a minister yesterday and she put it very well. When I trust more in the "Plan" than the Source eventually the plan will not work, for life is always changing. What works today may very well not work tomorrow. When asked "what should I do" I think the best thing I could say to anyone is listen to your heart.

I used to spend hours in prayer, asking God to fix this or work this out. Don't get me wrong prayer is WONDERFUL and I thank God for all the prayers that have gone up on my behalf. I have learned today that it is important to give God time to respond. Meditate. Quiet my mind and breathe. I find that so much of my day is spend with my mind racing from one thought to the next that is it important to stop, listen, breathe.

In those times I hear that still voice saying "Peace be still".

Then is when I know that the real "I" is greater than any experience which may come to me.

Love
Allen

10/14/07 Personal Journal

2007-10-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

Growth.

I have been reading books from the teaching of Abraham by Ester and Jerry Hicks. There are so many things that I have learned doing some of the practices they share in the books. One of the greatest is “The book for Positive Aspect”. When I wake up each morning one of the first things I say is Good morning God and welcome to my day. It is my intention today to be the love of God. It is my intention to feel the love of God in every person I see and meet today. It is my intention to see the abundance and prosperity at every segment of my life experience today.

I love reading today, that is growth in and of its self. I am a great reader as well. I am learning that how I see myself, how I love myself is the way I allow others to love me. So if I feel I am not getting the love I want, the best to start is by asking myself what do I love about myself? What are my positive aspects? I am learning that no one can give me happiness. That is my job. Others can share with me, but it is up to me to let it in.

Growing up in the south was such a great blessing. Hearing the stories that it is better to give than receive. We all have our stories, and today I know that we all hear what we choose too. I know today that I heard it was selfish to receive. Today I know that there is great joy in both giving and receiving. Balance. Just rightness.

One of the reading today states that the best thing I can do for anyone I love is to be happy. And the very worst thing that I could do for anyone that I love is to be unhappy, and then ask them to try to change it, when there is nothing that anybody else can do that will make me happy. I love that. How many times in my life have I said, if this or that would change I would be happy? Why not just be happy?

When I heard the doctor tell me that I had cancer “Tant SO” I remember feeling fear and then the voice within me. That voice we all have that tells us when what we are doing is serving us in our growth or tearing us down. Said why not choose to laugh about it? As my friend Paris always shares “A merry heart does good like medicine” Proverbs 17:22

Each day I am alive every step I take is a choice. I can choose to stay in bed pull the covers over my head and hide, or I can engage in love, live, and happiness. I can choose to continue to hold anger, fear, hurt, past hurt, or I can choose to love today starting with me. One of the things I have learned in recovery is that if you want to change how I see someone in my life pray for them for 30 days. Pray for their good, their blessing, and their highest good. Watch what happens.

In 30 days your life will not be the same. It reminds me that each day I have a choice in everything I see. If I take it personally that is just how it will show up for me. If I look for something to be angry about I will find it. However if I choose to look for something to LOVE, something beautiful, something abundant I will find that too.

Today I choose LOVE!

Book of Positive Aspects

2007-10-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

I have started a book of Positive Aspects. The way you play the game is you write down a person, place of thing that you appreciate. The goal is not to think just allow and write what comes to mind right away.

I wanted to share more about the book and how it works. It is really a journal that I made myself. You can do it on the computer but it has so much more meaning to you, when you write it out by hand. On the outside of the journal you write the words "MY BOOK OF POSITIVE ASPECTS". On the first day you write in the journal you spend at least 20 minutes writing about a person, place, thing that you love. There are three questions that you ask about the subject you have written down in the book for that time period.

What do I like about you?

Why do I love you so much?

What are your positive aspects?

On the first day I did this, I wrote about 4 different people in my life. One twist I added to this process is sharing what I wrote, with the person I wrote it about. I just want to add if you ever want to change your mood, or what is going on in your day. Open the book and start writing. It is amazing. One big thing to remember only Positive Aspects. Not things you would like to change only things you see now. Watch it change your life.

Thank you to my Sue B

2007-10-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

Thank you to my wonderful friend Sue B who lovingly filled in the blanks in my letters to my family and friends. If any of you have things you feel I need to add please free to to comment here on the site and I will get your email and respond.

Thank you again and I love you ALL!!
Allen

September The Kidney Surgery

2007-10-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

9/4/07

Hello Family

I will go into the hospital tomorrow at 9:45 AM and the procedure will start around 11:00 AM. It will take about 4 to 4.5 hours. I have asked my friend to send you a message when I am in recovery. So look for that in the evening tomorrow.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and LOVE!!!!!

I am at peace and I feel the LOVE of GOD all around and in me.

I LOVE YOU

Your brother

Allen

9/17/07

Good Morning Family;

What a great day to LOVE!!!

I enjoyed my meditation this morning which is such a healing time. I encourage each of your to find time to be still, quiet, and listen. I used to think that I had to be perfect at it. Today I just enjoy the time.

I was reading this morning and one of the things that really touched my heart I wanted to share with you.

How do I grow? What happens to those around me that are on a different path? How do I love you right were you are? How can I best be of service to you on your journey?

The reading goes on to say this.

We can start by releasing all useless energies, habits, relationships, and perceptions that have contributed to the "small" versions of ourselves. We can announce an end to our dramas and sagas, and proclaim our readiness to live the story etched in our hearts.

When this journey started for me I only knew one thing, and that was God was with me always. I feel so blessed to have this year to reflect, grow, live and LOVE. My purpose is to LOVE. Thank you, to each and every one of you for your part in my God journey. Thank you for allowing me to grow at my own speed, for loving me, and allowing me to live out loud in front of you. Thank you for giving me space to find my way, one step at a time knowing that I was being divinely guided. Thank you for holding me in perfect health. Thank you for being YOU.

I stand with you today knowing there is with in each of us, enough strength to climb the mountains in our lives. Enough Faith to soar to heights we only dreamed about. With in each of us is the key to what we want most in life. LOVE.

I LOVE You

Allen

August Meeting the Urology Team

2007-10-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

8/3/07

Hello Family

I met with my Urology Team yesterday. God is so good all the time!!!!! When I met the first doctor I was distracted by the fact that he was a very handsome person. I love God's humor and way of reminding me that I can choose to look at life anyway I choose.

The meeting went wonderfully, The mass on my kidney has grown and they are 95% sure it is Cancer, the good news is they are going to try and save the Kidney. They will go in clamp off the kidney do an ultra sound to make sure they have all the growth. If need be they will remove the entire kidney. The goal is to save as much as they can. Praise God.

I will go in for Surgery on the 5th of September this way I will be able to celebrate my Birthday before I have surgery. Once again God working all things out. The MRI and the 4 panel Cat Scan showed the mass on my liver to be a small growth that they will also look at and remove if they think necessary.

I just want to speak about the divine order of my steps. I really didn't understand why I needed to leave CA and go to NC as I loved my home in CA so very much. I know today that my divine destiny was for me to meet doctor Orlawski who would tell me about the mass on my kidney and liver. I know today that I needed time to rest and heal. I needed time alone with God to feel the oneness that I have and I am with God. All of my steps are divinely guided. I feel that more today that ever before.

Meeting with the team of doctors that I have now is just so amazing and I feel the presence of God and see it in each and everyone of them. I want you all to know that your prayers, your thoughts, your love, your support has been a lifeline to me. I see today that each step we take is divinely guided. I urge each of you if you have something in your life that is unresolved with anyone surrender it and ask God to divinely lead you and it will happen. I give thanks for the chance to tell each and everyone of you how much I love you, how grateful I am for the mirror each of you hold for me. I give thanks for the breath, and the knowledge of everyone who is working on my behalf.

Keep holding me in perfect light as I am there. I love you all and can't wait to see you.

All my love

Allen

8/30/07

Hello Family

As I started my day yesterday I set out and INTENT to see what I wanted to see. I wanted to see the love of God. I wanted to see the calmness of God. I wanted to see my health in the hands of God. That my friends is just what I encountered. God is everywhere I look.

I met with the Anesthesia Clinic yesterday and it was a blessed day. You know I know today that what I look for is what I see. I met with the most amazing RN who walked me through each step of this next week. She checked my blood pressure, it was perfect. She checked my pulse rate, and it was steady and in the normal range. She did and EKG and it was very normal.

Here is the information that I received in our meeting.

The procedure will last around 4 hours.

I will find out on Tuesday the 4th what time to be at the hospital on the 5th. (Most likely very early around 5:30 for a 7:30 surgery.)

I will be in the hospital around 2 days

I will have a private room once I have come out of surgery.

I can have visitors.

Nothing to eat or drink after midnight on Tuesday.

The best part of all.

I was assured several times that I was in the right place and I was being cared for by the best group of care givers. That my health and well being was of the most importance to each and everyone of them.

Here is the information on the Hospital again

University of Washington

Medical Center

UW Medicine

I love you all very much. Please hold me in perfect health and love. I know God will do the rest.

Your brother

Allen

July Welcome to Seattle

2007-10-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

7/7/7

Hello Family;

It has been some time since I updated y'all so I wanted to keep you up to date on the blessing in my life. As most of you know the Lymphoma is in remission and from the latest scan a few weeks back that is still current. The last few rounds of Chemotherapy were pretty hard on my body, and it wiped out my white blood cells for a couple week. This gave me a great deal of time to reflect on all the goodness of God and that when life comes at us we have a choice. I will be honest that there were a couple of days where I would have welcomed a large BUS for relief.

Praise God that part is behind me. I also had the chance to spend some time with my Family and you all know how much my Mama loves to cook. Any weight that I lost during the E-coli infection was put back on with Mom's TLC. It was so great to see my family and spend some time with them. Being out in the middle of the COUNTRY with no cell phone and 4 Channels on the TV I was able to get some Much needed rest. You know being divinely guided is a great thing isn't it?

After my visit with my folks I had a follow up visit with my Lymphoma doctor which I mentioned earlier. He gave me the great news about being in remission from the Lymphoma. He also had some things we had to talk about. During the scan they found a lump on my kidney and one on my liver. The one on my Kidney is Renal Carcinoma. The best news is the treatment for this is to remove it. The lumps are small and can be removed however they will have to take extra tissue to make sure they get all of it. So I will be having surgery in late August for that. This will give me time to strengthen my body for that part of the journey. God is soooooo good.

Packing up and leaving the bay area was one of the hardest things I have done in a while, however the care I received in NC was amazing. Thank God for doctor Orlawski who found the lump on my kidney and liver and would not leave it alone. The doctor in CA had never mentioned it though it has shown up on all the scans I had in the past. The time in NC gave me a chance to do some soul searching and asking for divine guidance.

That guidance has lead me to Seattle, WA where I will be having the surgery at the Cancer Treatment Center. I have a awesome support system here as well, as I lived here in 98 before I moved to the bay area. My wonderful friend Richard has been so wonderful housing me, finding me a new place to live and taking care of me. I am one BLESSED MAN!!!

I will be seeing one of the best Cancer specialist in the country at the Cancer Treatment Center and they will work with the doctors to remove the Cancer in late August. This will add more time to my recovery time. I am just praising God that they found it and can remove it all in divine timing. Please keep me in your prayer and love as I know you always do. Here is my new address as of Monday July 9th.

Allen Mosley

7/31/07

Hello Family;

I wanted to take some time to share a couple of things with you. One of the many blessings in my life is that the lymphoma is still in remission and my new oncologist is a wonderful man. On my last scan in NC my oncologist there (also very wonderful) had the displeasure of telling me the lump on my kidney was still there. My doctors in CA had thought it to be part of the lymphoma. It was not. They have done more scans and this last week I had MRI's done for 5.5 hours.

Many of you know that I have CHOSEN to hate MRI's and the process. This last week was a true test of my faith and my choice in life. I had many prayers going up for me. I felt them all, thank you. One very wise and special friend reminded me that each click of the MRI was the love of God. Thank you for that Lisa. I was able to make a choice to see the MRI in another light. The first 2 hours I was feet first in the MRI chamber of LOVE. I was able to turn my head out and see these 2 wonderful trees. I had to hold my breath as they took scans and each time I did I would look at these trees and they would be swaying in the breeze. I felt peace in knowing that the breath of God was breathing life into them and into me at the same time.

The next day I had to go in Head first. This time for 2.5 hours. Once again I looked for my trees and was able to focus on the breath of God. I was able to feel Choice, up close and personal and know that there is NOTHING that I can not do with the help of God. I can Choose to see God in all things. From chemotherapy to MRI chambers of Love. It is all God, and all Good.

I received a call from my oncologist last night and the mass on my kidney looks like renal carcinoma which is a type of cancer. Everybody BREATHE!!! The good news is that it can be removed and that is the end of the cancer. I meet with the Urologist this week and with the oncologist on Monday. They are also going to be doing a 4 panel cat scan to look at a spot on my liver. I will be having surgery the end of August or the first of September to remove the growth. I will know more about what all this entails later this next week.

I have my new home in Seattle ready to go and if you need movers I have the best here in Seattle. Thanks to my support team here Richard, Chez and others. I have been able to get it all ready for this next step of the journey. I am choosing PEACE, LOVE, JOY, and WHOLENESS. God is so good.

Please know that I love you all and think of you all the time. I will keep you posted as I know more. I have one request please. When you think of me please CHOOSE to think of me in perfect HEALTH. For that is just where I am. Perfect WHOLE and complete.

With love and gratitude

Your brother and friend

Allen Mosley

June New Tumor

2007-10-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

In looking back at my journal and letters to my family and friends I found that I didn't communicate that much. I was staying with Ernest in NC had completed my chemotherapy. I remember hiding a good deal.

I went and spent 9 days with my Birth family, my mom didn't stop cooking the entire time I was there. I was able to spend some time with my brother's and sister's family. I was able to visit with my Roxy. Such a beautiful spirit and friend.

Once I got back to NC the chemotherapy had wiped out all my white blood cells and I was very sick. I had and E coli infection, and the doctor told me not to visit with anyone for 2 weeks. Thank God Ernest did a great deal of travel during that time. In the middle of all of this I knew that God was working it all out.

I remember being weak and tired. I felt like my feet weighed two tons.

Once the two weeks passed I had a visit with my oncologist doctor Orlowski the most amazing man. He has the best bed side manor. Best smile and a great hand shake I love that. I had just had my cat scan, and pet scan a couple day before. I remember sitting in the chair in the exam room with the door open and seeing doctor Orlowski walk pass the room. The look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. I sat there and tears begin running down my face.

In a few minutes, which seemed like days doctor Orlowski come in and to talk with me. He stated the good news is that the Lymphoma is still in remission. That is GREAT!!!! The not so good news is the mass on your kidney is still there. From the radiologist report it looks like renal carcinoma. This was the last thing I wanted to hear. I had my cry and let it out, then said ok what is next?

You will need to have a MRI and see a renal cancer doctor. I have to be honest I didn't hear much after the MRI. I HATE those things. I am not a small man and I get claustrophobic in that process.

Doctor Orlowski recommended an oncologist in WA and off I go.

April Journal in North Carolina at UNC

2007-10-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

4/4/07

Hello my wonderful Family

I wanted to take some time today to let you know that I made it to NC. I had lots of support from friends who took me to the airport and made sure I was picked up as well. Thank you Antonio, Michael, Bob, Ernest, and Jim. I know that this visit is going to bring about much healing on a physical level as well as a spiritual one. The visit with my parents over the last 3 weeks was one of the greatest times of my life. I would take this journey over again just to know them as I do today. Talk about your blessing and LOVE. I am so very happy that so many of you had the pleasure to meet them and they had the pleasure to meet you. My Mom and Dad talked about how much you all blessed their hearts and the love they felt not only at the party but from the East Bay Church as well.

I am so thankful as I have the time to rest here and Thank God for all the goodness in my life. I am so excited to write to you and let you know that the Doctor in CA gave me some great news last week. The Scan of my Lymph nodes showed up normal, with no signs of CANCER!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!! I will be meeting with a new team of specialist here in NC next week and will follow up with you on the remainder of my treatments. Just so you all know GOD always says YES!!! Thank you for holding my perfect health with me along this journey. Thank you for holding my hand, and all the wonderful hugs. Those were and are the best. I can't wait see the pictures from the party and put them in the book you all signed. I am so very loved and I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO letting it in. Praise God.

I was talking with some of my friends and telling them, I have known that I have always been loved. It is really wonderful to allow that love in. I really do understand the song we sing in choir I let the love wash over me. I let, I let it be. One of the most healing parts of this journey is letting go, and letting God do all the work and holding my BEST. Knowing that God only says YES, YES, YES.

Please email me and let me know how I can best support you. Just know this you are all right here with me each and everyday as I am with you. There is no space and time in GOD. I am so blessed for knowing each of you and thank you for standing there until I could let you in. I think you for your strength and support.

Your brother and loving friend

Allen

4/25/07

Family;

Wanted to tell you all Hello and I love you. I have been in NC for a couple weeks now and had my Chemotherapy on Monday. The Love Juice flows in my vanes with the love of God there as well. I have been resting a great deal since I have been here. I think due to fatigue, missing my friends, East Bay, California my body needed some rest. I am taking the time to honor that and listen to Spirit speak to me. I am finding that when I am still and quiet I can hear spirit speaking so much easier. I had a great visit with the Oncology here and he is running some more test I will know more soon but it all looks great. He spent over and hour talking to me about everything and I really thank God for that. He told me what to expect over the next few month and to remember to take it easy and ONE DAY AT A TIME. Funny how those words keep coming up over and over again.

I feel you in my heart, my love and my healing and I thank you all for being my family. More soon.

Your brother and friend

Allen

March Journal Parents here to Pack me Up

2007-10-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

3/7/07

Hello Family;

Wow, at all the things that God is showing me right now in my life. As you all know my journey with cancer has been this great blessing in my life, for that is my CHOICE in how I see it. Last week Paul was here helping me with the Chemotherapy treatment, getting the packing started and helping me with the Jetta that I am ready and willing to let go of. ASKING for help, talk about a lesson from God. Opportunity for GROWTH is the word of the day. I want to take a moment and thank all of you, for loving me in this process. Asking Paul to come and help me was a real change for me, thank you for stepping up and being a light of love in my life. I love you Paul.

East Bay Choir and Church thank you for allowing me the space to grow and share. Letting you in and sharing the change for GOOD and GOD in my life has been, and is so amazing. This last week has been an emotional week as I get ready for my parents visit next week. Adding up all the bills I owe, knowing that God has a plan for me to pay them, and out of all of this is a blessing greater than I can believe. I am as Rev. E would put it "TRYING GOD AND SEE" Watch for updates as I continue my journey in FAITH.

This visit to NC is the first of many ways my faith gets the chance to show up. Finding out yesterday that the state disability will start on March 1. PRAISE GOD!!!! Time to spend with my parents and love them, and allow them to love and help me. Getting to know my Dad and feel his love for me is worth every drop of change that is happening right now.

Talk about relationship's if ever in my life I know that I share LOVE it is at this very moment. Ask me how I know. That which we give out comes back and YOU ALL are amazing. I see the God in each of you and yes, I see GOD in myself as well. NOW that is GROWTH!!!!

Next week is Chemotherapy # 4, test to make sure my heart is not being damaged by the chemotherapy, and pet scan to see how the lymph nodes look. I PRAISE GOD for all of that LOVE and the LOVE I feel from each of you. Thank you for I know today we are one, and we are the LOVE OF GOD.

Your Friend and Brother

Allen

3/17/07

Hello my family;

I wanted to write this morning and say I LOVE YOU ALL. It is so amazing watching God work. My parents arrived this last Wednesday, and I had Chemotherapy on Thursday. The doctor wanted to check my heart to make sure the chemotherapy was not damaging it in any way. As my friend Sharon would say it's time to get your praise on, so lift your hands up. NO DAMAGE at all. This next Wednesday I go for my pet scan. This is where they are looking for any growths in my lymph glands. I know that God has that worked out as well.

It is so wonderful having my folks here with me. The love of my family of Choice and my birth family has truly been the face, arms, legs, and grace of God for me through out this journey I am on. I have so many thank you to send out from Michael and Antonio for picking up my parents and making sure I get to the appointments on time this last week. For all of you that have been sending emails, phone messages, and Lori for coming for a visit from Redding. Thank you.

Asking for help, and then letting the help in has been an opportunity for growth in my life. I can say today with the grace of God that I am learning that lesson and asking for help. Thank you for all of those who keep pushing me to let you in to help. I was reading the science of mind lesson for the day today and this passage really touch my heart and I wanted to share it with you.

It states.

"I have discovered the most useful tools for managing on the edge are surrender, faith and love: Surrender into the unknown and infinite possibility, have faith knowing that something magnificent is unfolding for your highest good to be revealed, allow the experience of love from within and without to buoy you and lift you beyond recognition--you have everything you need within you. Living on the edge is a wonderful gift."

This passage remind me that each day I choose to live life to the fullest I am saying thank you to God for the GREATEST Gift, my life. When I live in the future or the past I am choosing to overlook the wonderful gift of today.

Thank you my family (My wonderful Gift from God)

I love you

Allen

I had to send this out it is great.

Love you

Allen

3/23/07

Hello my wonderful family;

I think all of you know I have been spending the last month packing up with the help of my parents and friends. I wanted to talk to you about all the wonderful things that have been showing up for me. When I moved from the East Coast in 98, I moved with a few dishes (you know how I love my calphlon), and my art work. One of the things I realized as I have watch the boxes filled is just how abundant I am. One of the things you learn in early recovery is to remember where you come from but, For the grace of God there go I.

When I first heard about the cancer my only thought was what to do next? I knew in my heart that God has and had this all worked out it was up to me just to watch it all come together. When I heard about my pay coming to and end, again I just knew that God had it all worked out. In the past when life happened I was so angry one of the things I was sharing with my Mom today is I asked God this last year to be Debt free. I am knowing that I am on that journey right now. The how is not up to me it is just for me to know that it is real.

The other day as I packed a box I realized how many times have I asked for an adventure in my life. Something fun, something exciting? Here I stand in the middle of it and I just want to say Thank you. Rather than being angry about it I want to say thank you, for the grace to move on. The sight to see GREAT things in this. Please hear me when I say there have been days I cried more that not. Inside of me is this strength that keep saying "I will lift up my eyes to the hills from which cometh my help." I stand here with the knowledge that God has opened the windows of heaven and is pouring me a blessing at this moment. Thank you God.

How exciting it is for me to know that my path is divinely guided. I am so very excited to see all of you next weekend at the love and blessing party. I am excited about my trip to NC to spend time with God and my friends there. I am excited to see where God places my feet next. I am excited to talk with anyone and everyone about the goodness I know of God. I am excited to be alive, something for so long I took for granted. Each breath I breathe is a gift from God and I thank God for the present.

My heart is full with love, joy and excitement today. Thank you all for allowing me to share this journey with each of you. I love you with all my heart.

Your brother and friend

Allen Mosley

3/24/07

Hello All

I just wanted to let you all know that my Dad and I sold the VW Jetta Yesterday. PRAISE GOD.

I am so happy that is behind me. I am on my way to Financial Freedom with the help of GOD.

Our God is Good all the time

Love you

Allen

Thank you Lisa

2007-10-11T22:22:00.001-07:00

2/9/07

Thank you Lisa;

Love the way you express your love for me, and others on this journey.

Love you

Allen

February Journal

2007-10-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

2/1/07

Hello Family;

I am just home from Chemotherapy, and I am full of gratitude. God, shows up everywhere I look. Today was a great day my friend David drove me in to the city this morning. Thank you David. My blood count continues to show up as God in PERFECT order no flags as they say. They are very impressed, and I keep telling them it is the only way it can show up.

The LOVE JUICE needle went in with the first try and I started the infusion around 10:00 AM and finished up around 3:00 PM. Thank you Lisa for bringing me home and blessing me with your company. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends-family in my life.

I will see you all at Church on Sunday the 10:00 AM service for sure. Off to get some rest now, and enjoy the healing flow of GOD in my veins.

Thank you for your treatments and PRAYER, I love them and I LOVE YOU!!!!

Your brother and friend

Allen

February 08 2007 (Personal Journal)

I woke up this morning with knowing that with growth comes change. Getting the news about my benefits was a day in which I chose to live in fear. Today I know that I don’t have to it is choice. Before me are several options right now and I am not even there yet. God is busy working behind my back as Rev E would say and busy looking at yesterday’s news.

I have an expectation for Good and Very Good so that is what much show up if I am looking for it. And I am.
Being that I have this expectancy can anything stay the same? Or does change have to happen. I have been asking for a home, a place to call my own, that means I have to move from here. If this is happening soon that means that my home can only be that much closer. Try God and see. I talk about faith in my emails is that what everyone is seeing our fear? It is all a choice.

This is a change to pay off my debt, clean up my life and prepare for a better day ahead. Just as when I go to Church I get to clean up, put on my best for God. That is what I am doing in my life. Cleaning up for God. What is my best friend getting to see each day Faith or Fear? Not because I am hiding either, I don’t want to hide any more I choose LIFE. With life comes Change and movement. Thank you God for the happiness this morning, for movement in my bones and in my life. Only Good can go from me and return to me. I want to send out and email today.

2/9/07

Good Morning my Family;

I come to you with a JOYFUL heart this morning, why because I choose too. I see choice in God and I know that only Good can come to me and from me. This week getting the news about the end of my full pay at work which will bring with it change. As does every event, today I know that I make choice so easily most of the time. It is when I step into fear that I choose not to move and have my being. Today I can tell you the only thing I see differently than over the last few days is Choice.

The love I have and do receive is amazing, the love of my parents is far greater than I have ever felt it. The journey that I am currently on with my Dad is worth every step of this process. Talk about friendship, the friends that are taking time off work to come out and spend time with me. The endless phone calls, singing, laughter, joy and LOVE that I feel washing over me is wonderful and I thank you all for every bit of it.

The HUGS, that have always been there, I get to feel them now. This is my journey today, to be alive, to be free to have choice and love it. I feel clean in my life right now and I feel God clearing out any thing else that doesn't look like Good one step at a time. Does that mean I want choose to look at this with fear again, I don't know the answer to that? What I do know is that I have the Love of my family to support me, love me, hold me, and show me another way.

I want each and every person who reads this today, tomorrow, next week, or whenever to feel the LOVE of God going from me to you and back again. A Circle, perfect in what I send out is just what I get back. One of my favorite saying is just pour LOVE on it, like you do when you have pancakes and syrup on Saturday morning, and you get to the end of the pancakes and the joy of syrup is still there.

Thank each and every one of you for all the Love and support I feel. I am grateful today for this journey with God, and YOU!!!

Always

Allen

(A email from my friend Lisa)

Greetings Choir!!

In honor of our beloved Allen, I am raising money for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society as a participant in their Team In Training and I'm asking you to help by making a contribution. Each donation helps accelerate cures for leukemia, lymphoma and myeloma and brings hope to the patients and families who are on the front lines of the battle against these diseases.

Please use the link in this email to donate online quickly and securely. You will receive a confirmation by email of your donation and I will be notified as soon as you make your donation.

We know this is in God's hands and it is already complete!!!

You can learn more about my efforts and make a donation by visiting the following Web site:

http://www.active.com/donate/tntgsf/withGodshelp

February 23/07 (Personal Journal)

I choose Love. It is 2:00 AM and I am awake and feel the need to journal. Yesterday when Paul and I got home from chemotherapy there were several cards from my Mom, and Dad's church. Some of them have giving me money which is such a blessing and I am so grateful for. The greatest gift I have been given in this journey is my Dad.

I have always known that my Dad loves me no matter what has happened. I have chosen pain at times, finding out that when I chose pain it shows up. You know I would never choose to have cancer... but; if it had to happen i am so very happy for the wonderful treasures it has given me. My faith in God, my willingness to let others in, and the love of my Dad in a way I have dreamed of all my life.

Thank you God for this journey where I get to choose what I take from it. I can choose to look at the pain, the discomfort, being sick most of the time to a point I don't want to get out of bed. If I do that will show up. Because that is where my focus would be, however, if I choose Love Peace, blessings then that is what shows up.

God thank you for the cancer, I bless it, and release it. Thank you for the journey in letting others love me. Having Paul, Richard, Ernest, Wayne, my parents, and countless friends from around the world show me love in so many ways. Thank you.

Here I am God send me.
Allen

cancer publication

2007-10-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

Feb/2007

In thinking of what I might say about my journey that would bless others, and in some way help someone else on his or hers own journey. The first thought that comes to mind is knowing that only Good can come to me. I know today that no matter how life may appear that only good can come from each situation. I know that may sound a bit odd, but I hope by the end of this story you will have a clearer understanding of these statements.

In January of 2000 my journey begins when I heard the Dr. say to me Allen, you are HIV positive. I must be honest as much as I would like to deny it; I was not surprised at the news. Stating that it didn’t make the news any easier to hear. One of the first thoughts that went though my mind was Oh my God I am going to die. Then slowly reality kicked in as I have the honor of knowing people who have been on this journey before me. Since they are here to tell their story, it is only logical that I will have the chance to tell mind.

After the advice of my Doctor of the many new strides that are being made in the way of medical breakthroughs, and studies that show early medical treatment would ensure a longer life span. I had to make a decision that was right for me. With regular blood work, the fact that my T Cells where high and my Viral Load remained stable I made a Choice to go into Psychotherapy and not go on HIV medication. Key word in that sentence is CHOICE. I want to drive home to LISTEN to your heart. As a result of psychotherapy I was able to step through my fear and tell my friends and family about my HIV status. In that process there were those who chose to walk away, however today I know that had nothing to do with me. Should friends chose to walk away don’t take it personal everyone has their journey in grief. Out of my sharing my status with others it opened the door for others to talk to me about their journey and let me know of the hope that I had giving them and the freedom to share with someone else. I would never wish anyone this process, however I am very happy that my journey has helped make someone else’s easier.

One of the main reason's I did not want to go on medication was fear. Fear of side effects, quality of life, and to be honest having to admit to myself that I really had HIV and Aids. One of the ways I combated this was to change the way I lived my life. I began to work out 3 to 5 days a week and monitored that which I took into my body. I also began to seek out other forms of treatment, herb, accupuncher, and other natural medicine. I continued to seek the advice and monitor my blood work with my medical Doctor as well. In August 2006, I began to feel very tired and had a lack of energy. I didn’t really understand this as I was working out 5 days a week and was taking great care of myself. What was going on and why was I feeling so tired? After going to the Dr. with flu like symptoms and fatigue month after month, we checked my blood work again, and we found that my liver panel was elevated. Once again I was at the place where I had a make a decision that was best for me. Was it time to start the medicine and overcome my fears? I called my two greatest friends and ask them what they thought. The both advised me to go on medicine so in November 2006 I started taking the drug Atripla.

Everyone has their own journey when starting medication and mine was no different than others, I had nausea, dizziness, some wild dreams and more fatigue. I was very discouraged as the month went on as my Doctor had told me within a month I should feel like my old self again. I decided that a trip would do me well, so off I go to visit one of my dearest friends and while there I noticed a growth in my neck. OK now what? Once I was back home I made an appointment with my Dr. and he felt it was the lymph nodes reacting to the medicine and it would go down in a couple months and all would be well. I DIDN’T AGREE!!!! The swelling in my neck was increasing and the pain was more intense each day. My Doctor and I decide I needed more test. A CAT scan of my neck revealed several very enlarged lymph nodes. I was then referred to the Ear, Nose, and throat specialist. He told me he was 95% sure that this was not CANCER but a cist. He wanted to perform a needle biopsy to make sure and then he could drain the cist and all would be well. I was scheduled for a needle biopsy, while there I had a strange feeling... the same feeling I had when I was told I was HIV positive.

Two days later I get a call from my Dr. asking me to come in for a talk. I was told that I had Lymphoma and I needed to see an oncologist immediately. This was the last thing I wanted to hear, more test more needles and more blood work what next? After the needle biopsy the oncologist needed a tissue sample, which meant I had to be scheduled for surgery, not just any surgery one that could leave me with total facial paralysis. Me, not being able to talk, sing, or communicate with others, to tell you there was no fear would be a lie. I did however have total faith in my Surgeon and his staff. Surgery, PET scans and more needles than I thought we had in the USA was my next month of treatment.. Here is the GREAT NEWS, in all of this I knew this wasn’t the thing that was going to take me out. I knew God had more in store for me. I made up my mind that day I was and am going to live through this, NO MATTER WHAT!! Having this attitude has been, and is the best medicine yet. Every time I've had any blood drawn I looked for the face of God and God's goodness. Every time I go for Chemotherapy I call it God’s LOVE JUICE. I visualize the IV Fluid flowing in my veins as the love of God coming into to my life to heal and bless me. Every scan, every procedure I have I look for the good in it.... And goodness has to shows up every time. This is the attitude I have chosen to keep with me the rest of my life. If you take only one thing from my journey I hope it is that I CHOOSE TO SEE GOOD IN EVERYTHING!!!!!! I believe if you choose this as well it will show up for you. Thank you for taking the time to read my journey of Good.

Allen Mosley

January 25 Letter to Mama about my Hair Loss

2007-10-11T08:21:00.000-07:00

1/25/07
Good Morning Mama;

Here is all my Hair that I shaved off my body. I remember that Sonja told me she did the same thing, as she wanted to be the one to decide when she lost her hair as well. I know some folks may think me a bit crazy for wanting a pillow out of it. That is ok too, it has served me well for 44 years and I want a loving reminder of this JOURNEY that God and I are taking for YEARS to come.

I really do thank God for the out come and I want to be able to look at this pillow and know that GOD can and does bring me through anything. I don’t really care how big it is, I will ask that you make it out of the Red and Black fabric that I included in the package.

I bought this fabric about a Year ago cause I loved it so much it is from Africa I believe, wasn’t sure why I bought it, Now I know. God is always on the job no matter what. You can make it any shape you like, I think I am sending more than enough fabric but if you need more let me know.

Thank you so much for doing this for me, it means the world to me. I love you very much, and I know that God’s love is so much greater still.

Your Loving Son

First Chemotherapy Session

2007-10-11T08:15:00.000-07:00

January 10-24, 2007

1/10/07 (Email to Family)
Hello Wonderful Family;

Allen here, wanted to take some time to tell you, I love you and thank you for all your prayers and treatments over the last while. I feel the love and support in my very BONES.

Yesterday was one GREAT day, I had a colon check up yesterday before I start the Chemotherapy today, and a HUGH PRAISE all is clear and no need to check again for 5 years. This is great news. I can honestly say that the prep work was the hardest part of the process.

I have been blessed over the last few months to have Angels with me in the Flesh watching over me. This week it is in the form of MY ERNEST. Last night he made me Salmon Patties, Cheese Grits and Shrimp for Dinner. NOT to mention the BEST home made CHEESE Cake a man could hope to have.

Thank you for the HOME cooked meal and Your presents. I love you!!!!

Those of you who know me, know that I can at time be a bit Particular about things. Not to mention my journey with letting love in. I am reminded of the song the Mass Choir sings We let the LOVE wash over us, We let, We let it be. I feel the love of God with each and every person in my life. I feel that ONENESS that we so often talk about, and I wanted to say a BIG HUGH THANK YOU to all my ANGELS.

From the trips to the Dr. Office, Surgery, Meals, HUGS, Prayer, Treatments, VISITS from out of town friends, and over all LOVE. This is a blessed experience. Thank you God for the Joy of Choice and how I choose to look at Life.

Today is Chemotherapy day, my choice for the day is to allow the love of GOD in!! I get to receive the Love of God from each Technician that touches me, Every Drop of Chemotherapy that enters my body. The Joy of have my family with me today, some in Spirit, some in FLESH, and ALL in PRAYER.

I love each and every one of you, and I know who you are. I Thank God for you! And so it is.

Your Brother, and Friend

Allen

1/11/07 (Family Email)
Good morning my wonderful family;

I am so very blessed, Ernest and I met a great many faces of GOD yesterday. The best part is we both felt the love from everyone and everywhere. We starting in the Billing office and that when really well. Then the woman who checks my Blood Count each week is a Total HOOT. I love her Spirit.

Then off to see Dr. Knopf, who went over what all was going to happen yesterday and answer any questions that I or Ernest had. Then off for the Infusion of Chemotherapy.

On Sunday while at church, I felt spirit speak to me and tell me that as I am taking the Chemotherapy I am to look at it and say "I allow the Healing Love of God in." That is just what I did all day yesterday. The Nurses and staff were very please with my Infusion. We started at 10:30 and I finished last night at 5:00, we had more God stuff to pick up from the Pharmacy. Ernest and I were home by 6:30.

I was able to eat a turkey sandwich yesterday and one of the staff had made COOKIES, you know how I hate those. So I had one Cookie as well. Last night I was able to have another sandwich then off to bed to rest.

I wanted to write all of you today and tell you that I felt every DROP of LOVE that you sent yesterday going into my veins. I know that GOD sent each and every one of you into my life, and I am so grateful. I am happy to be sitting up and able to write this email this morning. GOD IS A GOOD GOD ALL THE TIME!!!!!!

I am off to get some rest but wanted each of you to know How much I love you and thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Love your Brother and Friend

Allen

1/12/07 (Personal Journal)
I thought I would check in to talk about the last week of events. Ernest got here on Sunday of last week and it is so good to have him here. I have felt so safe knowing he is here to go to Chemotherapy with me. Sunday when he got here we went shopping and he bought me this really cool suit. I wanted him to have a ring of mine like I did with Richard. These two are the most amazing friends a man can hope to have.

On Monday, I had to do the prep for the colon check which showed that I was in great shape there and no need for another check up for 5 years. Thank God. The prep work was the worst part of the process. Mark came by to see me as well. It was so good to see him. I am one blessed man when it comes to friends. Over the last year I have really looked at the love and friendship I have in my life. Thank you God for all the great friends that bring such joy, and love into my life.

Tuesday was the Colon day and then Ernest, Shawn and I had Dinner together, which was really great. We had grits, Shrimp and Salmon patties. They were GREAT. Thank you Ern.

Wednesday got up and had a big breakfast before heading off to the Dr. for Chemotherapy. First day was a bit full and I really do recommend doing it all in one day.
Blood Draw first to check my blood count.
Meeting with Dr. Knopf.
Then Chemotherapy time, it took seven hours to load all the medicine in. God gave me this mantra to keep saying. I allow the love of God in. I kept looking at the bag of I V fluid and saying that over and over again. It really helps.
After the Chemotherapy was all done we had to go and pick up my medicine from the pharmacy. I was a bit tired by this point and was a bit irrigated. We got it done and got home and had a good meal.

I have been taking my Anti Nashua medicine and doing well. I feel a bit queasy from time to time but they say to stay ahead of the game. I would agree.

Ern, and I went out today and I have to be honest it was a bit too much. I had a great time but it really wore me out QUICK. Rest is the key and getting lots of liquids.

That is about it for today.

1/14/07 (Family Email)
Hello Family;

I wanted to let you know this week is a blessed week, ask me how I know? I have had friends visit from NC, AR and right here in Oakland. Many of you may know by now that I started Chemotherapy this last week. The first session was a blessing from the moment that I got there. God laid on my heart that I was just to look at this as the LOVE of God flowing in my veins. That is just what I have been doing as well. With the help of the Anti nausea medicine I have been able to eat this week. I will tell you that things taste differently and I am giving thanks for that as well.

For those of you have known me for some time know that one of my favorite saying now is JUST POUR LOVE ON IT. Well, I can tell you I have been the one to have the love poured on me. From the Care at the treatment center, to the love from the many emails, food, well wishes, cards, phone calls. I can go on and on. You know, I never really have any doubt that I am LOVED, I can tell you however how wonderful it feels to feel it and see it in action.

I was able to sing on Saturday, man that felt good. I was able to go to church This morning. I got up with the blessing of knowing that God is blessing me and I wanted to go and worship and thank God for the goodness in my life. So I got up and put on my new suit and off to church I went, and might I just say God was ready for me. The music was perfect, the Message was OFF THE HOOK!!! To come home on top of all of that with food to eat for the week, thank you FRIENDS. One of the things that God lays on my heart all the time, when lets say I don't feel 100%. What am I going to do about that? I have a closet full of the abundance of God and I need to get up and put on some Happy Clothes. So here is the living proof of Happy Clothes. Enjoy and know that each of you are loved and blessed not only from me, but the love of God as well.

I love you always Allen

1/24/07

Greeting Earth Angels;

Yesterday I had a visit with the Oncologist, they check my blood to make sure I am good for the next round of Chemo. If they need to adjust me they have shots they can give to boost, lower, etc.

I am Happy in being able to say that my Blood work was GREAT, noting needed. The Dr. was very happy about this as well. We talked about the next month of treatment and how life could change with food and energy. I am knowing that God has this as well. I bless it, LOVE IT, and send it on it's way.

Here is the Schedule for the next week. Friday I see a Dermatologist to have some skin tags removed and to check to make sure my skin it nice and healthy.

Tuesday I see my Dentist and have some Dental work done. Make sure the Fluoride I am using turning the Chemo is working.

Thursday I am off to Chemo # 2. I found out yesterday that I will have treatments through the end of April and then have another Pet Scan to make sure the Cancer is getting smaller and the Chemo is working. From the looks of my neck the Dr. feels and I do as well that it is working already. Got to love the LOVE JUICE from GOD!!!!

Well, Angels I will check in with you next week after Chemo to let you know how WONDERFUL I am doing, until then know you are LOVED, surrounded with LIGHT, and BLESSED!!!

Your Friend

Allen

1/24/07

Hello Family;

Well, I was reminded yesterday that I have a Choice in my Hair Lost, WHEN. So I chose yesterday and today to feel myself of all hair with the exception of my Beard. I am going to keep that about another week or so and then off it comes as well.

Through out this process I have found it healing for me to take pictures of the process. So here are the hairless ones.

I love you All

New Year Eve

2007-10-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

December 31, 2006 (Personal Journal)

Good Morning God.

The last couple days I have been in a place that I thought were sadness. I couldn’t quiet put my finger on it. I feel so blessed and happy. I have been really thinking a great deal about my friendships. The not knowing what was going on with one of my friends,was weighing heavy on my mind. Not so much their actions, but instead asking where does this show up in my life.

I was really hurt that my friend took themselves away from me, but when I thought about the fact that I too have done this. I begin to focus more on their needs than mine. This was not an easy task. I am grateful today all the same. Thank you for the growth. Last night when I was on the way to the choir party, I took the time to call my friend and tell them that I loved them.

I don’t understand why I chose to feel separation when I know that in God there is NONE. When I stepped into that realization the hurt vanished. I could just love my friend no matter how it looked right now. I also realized it was FEAR. Fear that I thought I couldn’t count on them. Fear of being alone and in need, once again I felt the hand of God and know that I am NEVER alone.

I have been clearing out my closet and home of things that no longer serve me. I am so abundant. Thank you God. Thank you for the reading in the living the Science of Mind. What great life lessons are there for the living.

Allen

12/31/06 Email to my family

I rejoice at the wonder of life’s adventure. Regardless of outer circumstances I know there is an inner reality that exudes peace, love, and understanding.

Hello Family;

I read the Science of Mind reading for the day and this affirmation really touched me. For it put in words how I am feeling in my life at this moment. The last couple day's I have spent thanking God for the Abundance in my life in the form of YOU!!! Perfect Love, Perfect Faith, and Perfect Prayer. Last evening the Men's choir sang at the Kwanzaa Celebration at the Church. It was so beautiful, I love when I get to see the Oneness that is. I am reminded often that I look at the outside first and then look with in. I think this the very human side of my existence. It is times like last evening when I stand with my brothers that I see only LOVE, LIGHT and ONENESS. God, thank you for letting me be a part of this group and the Mass Choir as well.

It was so good to see all of you at the Choir Party last evening. Thank you Monroe for your Hospitality, and for sharing your home with us. It, and you are beautiful. I don't know about the rest of you, but sitting around with a group of friends, sharing love is the greatest gift. I so enjoyed myself last night. I tell you all of this to remind myself to focus on LOVE, the gift of giving it ,and receiving it in return. To remember that no matter what it may look like at the time, it is ALWAYS present and in Perfect ORDER.

I encourage each of you at this time of year when you want to release, change, start fresh, one of the best places to start is at home. I spent this last week, looking at the THINGS in my life and asking "DO YOU SERVE ME, NOW?" If the answer is NO then it is time for me to release it. I bless it and gift it forward. Do this and watch what happens. It is amazing.

Thank you all for allowing me to LIVE my LIFE with you ONE day at a time. Thank you for Loving me NO matter what. Thank you for the GIFT of YOU and the JOY of knowing Each of you.

Your Brother, Friend

Allen Mosley

Christmas Day - 28 Meeting with Oncologist

2007-10-11T08:02:00.000-07:00

December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas God and Happy Birthday Jesus.

What a great day to be alive. Thank you for getting me up this morning and having use of my body and joints. Thank you for Richard and his visit, and just letting him be here with me. It is great God.

I got up and called Lori to sing her Happy B day. I wonder if she knows how lucky she is to have the same birthday as Jesus? We talked for about an hour. That was nice. Ernest called me always there and always so loyal. I love you Ernest .

Called my Mom and Dad so good to hear their voices as well. God I am such a blessed man, I still have my parents and they are still together. What a testament to you.

Waiting for Richard to get up so we can talk about what we are going to do today. Thank you for being here my friend. I love you.

What a great day to be alive.

Thank you God.

12/28/06

Good Morning Family;

The Oncology day finally arrived and all the test are in. Drum Roll Please!!

Lymphoma is the answer that we all knew, however the great news it looks like it is a mixture of Large and small cell. From what Dr. Knopf stated yesterday he feels that Chemotherapy with be able to take care of totally. The best news of the day is that the bone marrow biopsy came back showing NO SIGNS of cancer at all. That is a major PRAISE GOD!!!

I wanted to share a God Moment with YA'LL. As you all know I had Surgery last week on Wednesday, I love you Dr. Rust. It was a total success, and the incision looks amazing. I was in the Dr. office on Friday for a check up and to have the drain tube removed, he stated that he didn't want me to start Chemotherapy for at least 2 weeks. I said OK. I was then able to go home rest thanks to all the wonderful TLC of my friends. I got up Sunday morning and sang in 2 services at the EBCRS, then came home and rested once more. This is all less than 7 days from the surgery. Not that all of this doesn't show God working, here is how God shows up right on time.

As I mention The Oncologist met with me yesterday and told me that I would have to be on Chemotherapy, it would be a very strong dose, but every 3 weeks. He wanted me to start TODAY, I then told him that Dr. Rust wanted me to wait a couple weeks. We finally agreed to start on the 2nd of January. Due to the level of patience on Chemotherapy the first opening is January 10th. I know that the hand of God is divinely guiding me with every breath that I take, I love it when I am aware enough to see it. The first available time is exactly 3 weeks from the Surgery the exact amount of time the Sergeant told me I needed to wait before starting Chemotherapy. I love you GOD, and I love Divine Order.

I will be taking a total of 6 drugs some pills some Liquid, for those in the Medical field here you go.

1) Rituxan

2) Cyroxan

3) Oncovun

4) Dioxonbicin

5) Prednisone

6) Neulasta

Number 1 through 5 are called a Chop- R I don't have a clue why but they are. And the first session will take about 6-8 hours to load in my system. The last Drug is to help with my white blood cells and my immune system. I will also continue the Drug Atripla as well. I will be going this next week to have a Colon check up to make sure my colon is in Great condition.

After 3 sessions of Chemotherapy I will have another CT Scan and check the progress.

Well, my friends that brings us all up to date. I want to tell you all how much I feel the love of every person in my life. Every bit of this reminds me each day to LOVE and LIVE. Please don't wait until tomorrow to tell those that you love, that you love them. Do it today.

Family, I want each of you to know and hear I LOVE YOU!! I will continue to tell each of you every time I see you because I want to keep the Main thing the MAIN THANG!!

Thank you for your support and love.

Allen.

Dec 24 Church Service

2007-10-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

December 24, 2006

Christmas Eve what a great day to be alive, I woke up this morning grateful that I am alive and get to sing today. All of my Scottish clothes come yesterday. God is always Right on time. It is funny how I had released the need to control when they arrived. Like clock work I go with Shawn to the Dance class, he wants to leave before it is over and we get to the post box just as they are closing. I went there for a package from my Mom some Goodies. Surprise Surprise I have my Kilt Jacket. Fits like a glove. Thank you God.

Got up Richard is still asleep so I took my medicine, vitamins and starting pressing my clothes. My neck is sore and tender. 4 days after surgery the fact that I am up and getting ready to go and sing. That is God in action. I am God in action today. I look great and feel great. I have my family with me; from the ring on my hand to the clothes I am wearing I have my history with me.

I get to church one of the first there, and Tyrone is so happy to see me. Bobby is so happy to see me. Everyone is so happy to see me. Gift shared a card for the choir, and the gift of being a GIFT of God. Thank you Gift.

We stand to sing and out comes the music. It is GREAT!!! I am so excited that I am singing today. Why? Just because I can, it is an honor, a blessing, a sign of my faith in God and knowing what I know.

Richard is here, Shawn has been around, and Antonio and Michael have been around. I feel God and see God everywhere I go. One of the Choir members didn’t know about the "Tant- So" (Cancer) and started to hug me and I had to say we have to be careful I had surgery. What kind? I told them and then they didn’t want to hug me. For the first time in my life, I got that wasn’t my journey. Thank you God.

What a blessing to know in the moment someone else's journey isn’t my journey. Rev E and Andrette were ON today in church. Thank you for being able to celebrate with them one more day. Thank you God for this day.

Amen

Christmas Eve

2007-10-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

12/24/2006

Christmas Eve and it is time to go to church. I am so happy that Richard got here last night. I was really tired when he arrived. I had to go to bed and get some rest. My neck is hurting and sore a bit. My neck is good today it is swollen and a bit stiff. I am just so happy to be up and around after the surgery. I am going to sing a couple services and then come home and spend time with Richard. I gave him the onyx ring last night and he loved it. I really want him to have that. I got him a couple cards and a watch. I am so very happy that he is here.

I can’t wait to sing with the choir today. Yesterday all my Scottish Stuff came in. My new jacket and it fits great. My Sgian Dubh the knife for my hose came in as well. Talk about Christmas and timing. You know one of the things I have noticed the most in this process is just release, and God will deliver it right on time. Amazing. Thank you God.

Thank you for Perfect Health, Abundance, Love Friendship, Joy and so much more.

I release and let go. And So it is.

Day 20 Surgery BIG DAY

2007-10-11T07:44:00.001-07:00

12/20/6

Hello to my wonderful family;

I want to share love with each of you this wonderful morning. I know that this day is a blessed day for I have each of you in my life. That is Abundance, and abundant blessing. Thank you for showing up as love, health, and perfect order in my life.

I am so excited about today, I get to see the Face of God in the hands of my 2 surgeons, all the nurses, tech. and hospital staff. Not to mention the fact that I have someone who loves me very much on every step of this journey guiding the hands of God as they work on me. You, in the many faces of God as you show up today.

Shawn for driving me to the hospital and picking me up, thank you. For each of you that take a moment to shine light over me as the Doctor's work on me. For the Doctor's who have no other way but to show up in divine order and in their oneness with God. I GIVE THANKS, today.

My, family it is a great day to be ALIVE, Celebrate with me the JOY I have for the opportunity I have to shine light on the goodness of God.

I love you

I have Perfect Health

Your Brother

and your Biggest FAN

Allen Mosley

also 12/20/6

Hello Family;

I am home from the Surgery! Praise GOD.

God showed off today my family, the Doctor's were able to remove the lymphoid with the largest Growth on it. Praise GOD!

I will have a drainage tube in my neck through Friday and I have full use of my facial muscles. Praise GOD!

My throat is a bit tender, but the Dr. said I can sing with no issue. Praise GOD!

I will be spending the night with a couple of my friends tonight and be home tomorrow. Praise GOD! Thank you Antonio and Michael!!!!

I feel every drop of Love and the oneness that we are. I am a blessed and happy man. Praise GOD!

Thank you all for your PRAYERS AND TREATMENTS.

Keep the love coming and know that I am returning it HEAPED UP, PRESSED DOWN, AND RUNNING OVER.

AND SO IT IS!!!!!!

One love

Allen

Day 10-14 Dec 15 Bone Marrow Biopsy

2007-10-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

December 10- 14/2006

Trip to visit my family. It is funny to see how my vision and God’s sometime show up different. My Nephew picked me up from the airport and the next day I had a chance to meet my GREAT Niece and Nephew for the first time. What Great children and Jimmy’s Wife is a very Nice Woman as well. We talked about ways to change their home and work with the things they have. I love helping my family and friends.

Mom and Dad picked me up on the 11 and we drove back to Georgia. I am so very blessed to have my parents. Funny how I had hoped that my letter to my Dad would arrive before I did, God had a bigger and better plan. My Dad got the letter the day I arrived. I would never have thought I would enjoy watching him read the letter from me, however I must say it was a real treat. One thing I had to let go of, is what I needed and let it be just what it was. Seeing his face and knowing that he will keep it and read it from time to time will be something that will stay with me forever. Lesson learned RELAX and enjoy what God has for me.

My family and I went out to eat on the 12 and it was so funny to see how different we are. I can talk to a rail as my Mama would say and my brother Glenn is this quiet gentle man. My sister is this light of love. I look at us sometime and I think where did I come from. So very different, my brother lives about 10 minutes from my mom and my sister about 15. I on the other hand live on the other side of the country. They have family in the traditional sense and I have family of choice. Both equally blessing and all our needs met. Thank you God. My Dad carried me to see my Aunt Judy, one of my all time favorite Aunt's while I was growing up. She was the song leader at Church when I was a young boy and I love to hear her sing. So good to see her and know that she is happy. Thank you God.

On the 13 my Aunt Dovie came out for a visit. It is so good to see the love my Dad has for his brother and sister. They are so very close and of course my Dad takes care of them all. Such a strong quiet man, my brother is more like him day by day. My Dad's mom was this strong amazing woman, and I really wish I could have known her in the flesh growing up. Everyday I got to see who she was in the form of my Dad. Hard Working, STERN, and always pushing you to do your best, today I know Loving also. My niece Mareen and my sister in law came over to show me my niece’s art work from School and she gave me a painting. God you just keep showing up as abundance everyday. I love you for that and so much more.

On the 14 my Dad, Mom and my sister drove me to the airport to catch my flight home. On all 4 flights I was in the front row seating, on southwest that is GOD in a major way.
On the flight from Nashville to Oakland I sat beside this really cool man from Raleigh, NC. He was born in CA and lives in NC and I lived in NC for 10 years and now live in CA. We are both in the right place. I was able to share with him about my Trust walk with God. He gave me his card and told to me visit he and his family next time I was in NC.

Arrived home and took the Bay Porter home, It was so very nice to be HOME. I love my home and I am so blessed to have this as my home. Thank you God.

What a great visit, and the knowledge that Family comes in so many forms.

I am blessed.

December 15 Bone Marrow Biopsy

Family;

I want to say PRAISE GOD!!! I had the bone Marrow biopsy today and it was a piece of cake. So happy that I have GREAT doctors and, that they keep me informed of every step we are taking. The Surgery is scheduled for the 20th to remove part of the growth in my neck. This will allow them to know the next step in my TRUST walk with GOD.

I had a great visit with my parents and they send their love to all of you. I had some great food and a great deal of LOVE from my Birth family. They are much comforted by the fact that they have seen many of you in action. They also respect the fact that I want to take this journey with GOD. I know that I have their support as well as your.

I meet with the oncologist on the 27th to discuss when the chemotherapy process begins. I will keep you updated on the process and the many ways GOD is showing up in my life.

This is how good GOD IS, I woke up at 3:00 AM on the 2nd of December and I felt spirit tell me I needed to visit my birth family. My first thought was wow LOTS of Money. Spirit said trust. With less then 7 days notice round trip ticket to GA was $234.00. God at work. I met with the Oncologist the next day, and the surgery couldn't be scheduled until the 20th. Wow how God moves when I listen.

Thank you for the LOVE, Support, Prayers, and TREATMENTS!!!

I love you All

Allen

Day 9 Doctor clears me for surgury

2007-10-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

December 9, 2006

Tomorrow I go and visit my folks and I am really excited to see them. I really want to spend some time with my Dad and make sure he knows how much I love him. He has been having a really hard time with all of this. I am reminded that Choice has a great deal to do with how I look at things in the world. Yesterday was a full day of treatments, from the blood draw, dentist, Dr. visit , to the CT SCAN. I was reminded when I look for the face of God that is what shows up. Thank you God.

Avery, James and Mag Pie are here for a visit so I get to show them around today and visit with them before they go back to LA. It has been so good to see them. They are coming over this morning and I am going to give them one of my paintings. I want them to have a piece of who I am.

I found a couple more lumps in my abnormal area, I just know that means that the "Tant SO" is a fast growing kind and that means the Dr. will be able to treat it with great hast.
I am very grateful for that as well. I have been feeling a bit tired and get a bit fatigued after a day out, but I am resting when I need to and going on with my day’s activities.

I got up this morning and cleaned up the house a bit before my travel and looking forward to the trip I get to see my nephew and family tomorrow night. Then Mom and Dad come and pick me up on Monday.

I feel really good today, and it is a great day to be alive.

Thank you God.
Allen

12/9/06

Hello family;

I am moving right along in my PERFECT HEALTH, yesterday had a meeting with my regular Dr. was cleared for the surgery on the 20th to remove tissue for the Oncologist, so we can begin treatments. I also had blood work done and I am praising God for the good news that will be coming from those. Had my full body CT Scan, which the technician stated that they got some GREAT PICS of my INSIDES. Praise God for that as well.

It was a great day yesterday, I was reminded that CHOICE has a great deal to do with how we look at things. I made the choice to see and feel love in every Dr. visit, blood draw, CT Scan that I had the honor of doing yesterday. Guess what showed up? GOD in every face, every smile, every prick or poke. For that and so much more I just give thanks and praise.

I want you all to know just how close I am holding you all as I travel and I am reminded that there is no space and time and that I am with you always. Thank God for that. Sing like the angles you are and if you listen really close you will hear my voice singing with you.

Be blessed and know that I am feeling the love of GOD and each of you every moment of everyday.

Peace and Blessing

And SO IT IS!

Allen

Day 8

2007-10-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

December 08/06

Full day

Dentist visit I will have some work done first of next year once Dr Eslao speaks with Dr. Knopf. I will need to pick up some teeth trays to make sure I have fluoride on my teeth when I am having the chemotherapy treatments.

Off to the Dr. office to get the lab work for the blood draw. Had the blood work by a great tech who was able to get the vein right away and it didn’t hurt. She was really cool had a low sexy voice when she was focused. It was fun talking with her.

Off to get the Drink for the CT scan, I was reminded how wonderful it is to be able to drink and eat at will. Bye the time I had the CT scan I was ready to drink DIRT. I talk to mom and told her the barium was actually really good. Not chalk like at all. Thank you God.

Off to the Dr. office to see Dr. McGraw showed him the new lumps in my neck and told him that I had an eye exam the night before. He wanted more blood work to check the CD4 and Viral Loads

Off to the Lab more blood work same vein not bad at all.

Off to the CT Scan Met with Frank who set up the IV and got me ready for the CT scan. He is really nice and told me that I looked like I was in GREAT shape and good luck with the treatments and that he would see me soon for another scan to check the progress.

Called Avery and James and said I needed to go home and rest. I was really tired after the long day. They understood and we are going to get together tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing Mag PIE!!!

Day 7

2007-10-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

December 07/06

Hung out with Avery, James, and Mag Pie so good to see them again. Had a great lunch with them. I love them so very much. Mag’s has grown so much.

We took the Cable car to Pier 39 to see the Sea Lions and visit.

Off to the Eye Dr. for a visit, he placed me at risk for glaucoma. He stated that I have a tiny tear in my eye as well no accidents or hard knock to the head. I guess that means I need to pad the head board. OK I make myself laugh.

Then home to rest of the gym and big day tomorrow.

Day 6 Family Email

2007-10-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

December 06
Family;

Funny how that word means so many different things. For the longest time in my life it brought about pain, because my family could not love me as I am., however my truth stood the test of time, and you are my witness to that. Having my Mom, and Dad visit the EBCRS last August then hearing how they loved it. Healed us. In pain there is growth. Thank you God.

For a great deal of my life I looked for the MAGIC PILL, I looked in Drugs, Alcohol, Sex, Food, etc. My truth stood up, and let me know the Magic Pill is ME. It is my attitude, how I choose to look at things. How I choose to react to things. How I choose to take care of me. I have now been in Recovery from Alcohol, and Drugs for over 18 years. In Growth there is pain. Thank you God.

Last night at church the choir circled around me in LOVE, and LIGHT a LOVE RING if you would One that I can choose to take off at any time, or I can choose to Hold that LOVE close to me and treasure FAMILY. Thank you God.

In the words of OUR Rev E, TANT SO, about the cancer, TANT SO about what is showing up in your life right now. I know my truth, and with each of you I hold myself in perfect health I know God, and I know God's Law, so it has no other way but to show up. Thank you God.

Thank you all for the inspiration, Love, Joy, Laughter, and the HUGS!!!!! Those are the best, keep them coming PLEASE. Thank you for the opportunity to love, and live out loud. This is GROWTH. Thank you God.

I love you ALL
Allen

Day 6

2007-10-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

December 06/2006

Today has been a good God day. Today I was able to get the surgery scheduled for the 20. Everything is falling in perfect order. That is how I know that God is in control of this and I have perfect health. I have been in such a great mood today that I wasn’t going to journal and I remember that the beauty of doing a journal is so you can read about the good days too.

I got up this morning and really didn’t want to do legs; I was feeling a bit tired. I was able to say come on I need to do this for my health and me. I had a great workout and I got to see Grant and his brother. It is always good to see them such good people. Sometimes when you don’t feel like doing things, then when we do them that is when you get the biggest blessing.

I wrote the God letter to my Dad today as well. Dad has been having a really hard time with the cancer and all. The other night God woke me up to told me I needed to write a letter to my Dad and tell him how much I loved him. One of the biggest blessings
about this trust walk is telling folks that you love them. NOW, not next week or next year NOW. I love it.

I get to see Avery James and Mag pie tomorrow I am so very excited. Oh and the money from the 401 came today. Talk about GOD!!!!

Thank you it is a great day to be alive.

Day 5 Family Email

2007-10-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

12/5/06

Family;

Wanted to keep you all up to date on where we are in this trust walk,that I am taking with God. I met with the oncologist yesterday, Dr. Knopf (Don't even ask me to try and say it.) I am calling him very nice man. He order up blood work which I did yesterday, yeah one down. They will remove the gland in my neck as they need that to see just what type of lymphoma that I have. (over 50 types, fast, slow, B, T cell, etc.) They will take the gland and section it off to see what is the best form of treatment. The Sergeant is a wonderful man that helped me with the biopsy. I will have about a 4 hour surgery due to the gland being involved with the SPECIAL gland that I don't have a clue how to spell. This gland is responsible for the facial muscles and any damage to it can leave me as the Dr. puts it" looking like Betty Davis after the stroke". I talked with Dr. Rust (Sergeant) yesterday as well. I was hoping to do the surgery this week, but due to the nature of the procedure it has to wait until the week of the 20th. BREATHE RIGHT!!!

This Friday the 8th I have a full body CT Scan, they will be looking to see if the Lymphoma is in the other Lymph Glands as well. This is to Stage the growth and let them know how fast it is growing and how much Love Juice to give me. As it looks now I should have my first Chemotherapy before Christmas. Talk about new Birth into the New Year, my bottom will be as smooth as It was when I was born. (No Hair) Just for the record that is a lot of Hair, the humor in this is that I know God knows how many hairs are on our bodies, and I think maybe the Angel in Charge of my count needed a little vacation. (This is the part where we all laugh.)

Next Friday on the 15th I will have a bone Morrow Biopsy, this is to see if the Lymphoma is in my bone tissue. I know that is not the case, but they still need to test so they can see what I already know.

Once the Dr. has the Gland tissue and the CT Scan, then we will know how long I will be on Chemotherapy as well as how much I will have to have. Yesterday was a great day and I really love the Doctors that I have. I am a very blessed man to have all this Love washing over me and through me. Just like I learned from my faith walk in Foundation, I am learning so much about how I handle things, and how God is showing up in my life. I am not scared and I am ready for the next step in this walk. For I know that God is guiding each step of that walk.

I will keep you all updated on what is next and remember to Treat and Pray this Friday around 2:30 as I have the full body scan.

I love you all
Allen

Day 4

2007-10-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

December 4/06

Got up and went to the Gym it was a struggle as I just wanted to stay in bed. I reminded myself that as I was on this journey I may feel that way from time to time, so it was important to make myself go. I didn’t want to ever give in or up to TANT SO. Part of this whole journey was to have fun and laugh at this. So off to the gym I went, come home and prepared all the things I needed to do that day. I find it important to make a list so I can check it off and stay up to date each day. I did banking, errands, met with David. Got a call from the Dr. Rust he is the Dr. that ordered the biopsy. He wanted to meet with me and talk. I also had a meeting with Dr. McGraw that day as well. I felt so much love from both of them and they wanted me to know that they were there for me. Got all the paper work and my list was complete so I come home to have a nice evening at home for tomorrow was the first meeting with the oncologist. Off to bed .

Day 3

2007-10-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

December 3/06

Got up this morning and checked my email and got some amazing emails from some of my friends. The love is so amazing and I feel so very blessed to have the honor of being in each of their lives. Took my morning meds and off to church I go. OH the love that is in that family. God I am so blessed that you lead me to this place to find family. I have been to some amazing churches in my life. Been touched and felt the love of God in all of them. St Johns MCC was one the churches where I felt the most love and to be honest the most spiritual growth in God. After moving from NC I felt that I would not find that again. So I searched only to find that I was making that statement true. So I asked God once again while living on MacArthur Blvd in Oakland to show me HOME!!!! One Sunday one of my friends who I had this most amazing CRUSH on and most likely will the rest of my life. We got up and he said let’s go to church. I had asked him before about his church and told him that I would like to go one day with him. The church was so full it was the 10:00 AM service so we couldn’t sit together. The MUSIC was off the HOOK the mass choir sang a song called Taste and See. I cried the entire service with joy for I knew at that moment God was telling me YOU ARE HOME. I have been back almost every Sunday since. This Sunday I was greeting with love and support as always and some of the Choir has read my email and thanked me for my honesty and truth. I was bathed in love and family. I went to the second service as well where I had the honor of sitting with Bishop. One of the many friends I have in my circle called FAMIILY. He didn’t miss a beat and was not sad, which I had asked for. Asked me how my play day was and what did I buy? What a great man and friend I have in Bishop. After church was greeted by friends and then off to meet Shawn to have lunch and play again. We decided to meet later that day, so I went in to the city to visit my friend David and help him with a project he was working on. Later Shawn and I had dinner and a great visit. Off to bed for the Gym the next day.

Email to my family

2007-10-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

December 02 2006

Hello my wonderful family;

I know that all of you have been awaiting the news from the biopsy, and it is finally in. I talked with the Dr. yesterday and the biopsy shows that I have Lymphoma. Now I want to start this off saying Don't worry and DON'T FEEL SORRY for me. What I want from my family is LOVE and I know that I have that from each and every one of you. I Called a lot of you yesterday to tell you and some I couldn't get through too so I wanted to make sure you all knew.

What I want from each of you right now, and through out this journey is to hold me in PERFECT HEALTH. I will be saying that to myself on a daily, moment, basis as needed. I need the same from you. There is GREATNESS in this. For I know that anything that happens in my life my GOD will bless and make it for my GOOD.

Here is what I know so far, I have a meeting with the Oncologist on Tuesday around 3:00 PM, and then I will know more. I will have to have a full body CT SCAN, You all know how much I love that. It is actually not bad I feel like the filling in a donut. I know CRAZY right? They will also at some point take a bone marrow Biopsy on me as well. I will be at the GYM 5 days a week and doing what I can to keep my body STRONG and Healthy. They tell me that is very important. They always want me to keep up my Routine. Anybody up for 4:30 AM work outs let me know. HA HA HA!!!!

The one thing I do know is there is ministry in this, and I am the chosen one to walk this path. I don't know where all this is going to take me but I am ready, for I have the love of GOD and all of you to see me through it all. I want you all to picture with me what JOY I am going to have telling EVERYONE about this once God has seen me through. WOW, now that is amazing.

I am covered at work for the next couple month, and I will find out more as we see where this all goes. The Dr. did tell me that we caught this early due to the fact that I was so very persistent about finding out what was going on in there. He also stated that he doesn't think I will ever have to go into the hospital, I can do this all as out patient and be home in my own bed. THANK YOU GOD!!!

My friend Shawn is going to take me out today to have some FUN and SHOP. I want to play this weekend. It is a great day to be alive and I am living it up. I am thinking about going to the city tomorrow and see if I can find a dance. And you all know where to find me tomorrow during the day I will be at the East Bay Church of Religious Science getting my full PRAISE On.

I am going to attach a picture of me taking yesterday so you all know how healthily I am and full of life. Please Don't be sad, Live with me and Love with me. Know that God has picked out the perfect person to go through this and talk about it on the other side. I can't wait to tell my story. You know it is going to be a good one and all of you are going to be in it too. Who knows they may even make a movie out of it. SMILE.

Please know that I love you all and treasure you with every breath I take.

All my love

Allen Mosley

Day 2

2007-10-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

December 2, 06

I woke up this morning at 4 AM my usually time to go the gym, I had a good cry to let out some of the emotion. Then, I said to myself it is time to go to the gym. Staying healthy and strong is very important. This is true where you are on a medical journey or just day-to-day life. I realized one of the reasons that the Dr.’s didn’t see the possibility of Lymphoma was due to the fact I am so very healthy, and Strong. I have a great workout come home here is the humor and have the last 3 slices of pizza from the night before. I took the time to write all of my friends that I was unable to reach the night before and emailed them about my journey with God. I called and checked in with my parents and told them how happy I was today and that God had chosen the perfect person to go through this as I love to talk, so telling the Good news would be easy. I wanted them to know that deep in my heart I wasn’t scared. I didn’t understand and I was releved in a way just to know the truth so we could get started on the healing journey. I called a friend that I had asked the day before to have fun and play with me what time he wanted to meet. With in the hour we were shopping, having fun and just hanging out with each other. I strongly recommend this on day 2. Being with him helped my wondering mind. By 5 PM that evening I was worn out and ready for an evening at home with God. I watched a little TV sent out and email to my choir and got my clothes ready for Church the next day. It was very importing that I look FABULOUS. Not so much for me, as for God and my church family. I must say I did as well. Red and black head to toe and one of my favorite pairs of shoes as well. Cant’ beat that. Off to bed ready for an early day at church the next day.

The Beginning

2007-10-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

December 1 06

Well the news come in today the biopsy showed that Lymphoma is Present in the growth on my neck. Thank God that I was so persistent about getting this checked out. FEAR did happen today, Oh my God. Then I remember what God had said to me "you are not alone, and I have this just be prepared for the journey". So I ask the Dr what was next, he gave me the name of the oncologist that I am to see and told me not to be afraid. In that moment I will have to say I think I was more numb that anything. I was just thinking about being prepared. I know Such a Virgo right? I knew in that moment that is was importing to start Laughing. Cause in the famous words of Rev E "TANT SO"!!! I began to think about the humor in it all, here is was World Aids Day and I find out that Lymphoma is present in some on my cells. So rather than go to the Concert and hear as we so often do about the DEADLY disease of AIDS and the Glum and Doom I decided to come home and spend sometime with God. Have a Pizza and think about what God meant by being prepared. I made sure all my bills were on my online banking bill pay so that I or anyone could go on there and pay them. My home was organized and was clear of clutter. I had picture around me of all the love ones in my life. For this is the place I would be with God as I was on this journey, so I wanted to make sure I felt LOVED and could see it happening. I had Beautiful pictures of me Radiating Perfect Health. As a matter of fact I had taken some pictures earlier that day in some new Leather clothes I had purchased and the Santa Hat that David has made for me. No matter what the outcome I knew the out come. I am a Radiant Healthy Loving God being.