I am never alone for God is with me.
This morning was a time for quiet reflection with God. A time where I was still and listened to the voice of God. I remember as a Child I never wanted to be alone. Folks would tell my mother I would never leave home, because I was still connected to her. When I was in my teens I left home, I didn’t feel I could be alone so I would go from one relationship to the other. I didn’t want to hear what the silence had to say to me.
When I was in my early twenty’s I realized that I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I would drink to fit in, to loosen up and be the life of the party. Then the alcohol loosened me up enough to find the anger I had been hiding so long and deep with me. With the help of a very wonderful friend I found recovery; however, I was still so very angry. Here I was in my youth and I could never have a drink again. What ever you did it was best for you not to talk to me about God. God didn’t love me that was very clear to me. I had seen God in action and I didn’t want any part of that.
Close to the end of my first year in recovery I met a wonderful friend named Donald. He and I had entered recovery at the same time. We because fast friends. He was a southern man like me and we had a great deal in common. Donald began to be very sick and after going to the doctor he found out that he had a new disease called AIDS. All at once the anger came back in me full force. Here I had a friend who was on a like-minded journey with me and God was taking him away. What had I done that was so bad that God had this THING with me? For the next year I watched my friends health go away, yet Donald was living life more than I had ever seen anyone live it. He had a faith in God like none I had ever seen.
As Donald and I come to our second year in recovery his health was all but gone. He called me and asked that I come for a visit alone. I did. On that visit he asked that I promise him something, what I ask? This went on for some time and I finally said yes. Donald said “I want you to sing for me when I die”. I said no I can’t. He said you promised and I know you are a man of your word. He also told me that he couldn’t leave until I understood I was worth loving. He said to me I am really tired and I am ready to go home. A few days later he made his transition. I was alone. I was sitting in a church for the first time in like 6 or 7 years. Crying my eyes out. When I stopped and prayed God if you really care about me at all. You will sing for me today, so I can keep my word to my friend Donald.
When it come my time to sing, it was like something took all the tears out of my eyes. I stood up walked to the podium and open my mouth. Out comes a voice I had never heard before. Once the song was complete the tears returned. I sat in my seat with a new understanding. One, God loves me just as I am. Two Donald was willing to lay down his life for a friend to get the message.
That day is just as fresh in my memory today as it was at that moment. Over the next few years I would make many discoveries. I would remember things about my childhood that were hard to look at. I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. I realized that I didn’t know how to let anyone in, for I was so afraid they would leave. So I would cut and run before they had the chance to go. This belief I held on to for many years. I want to state that was my choice no one forced me to do that. I started going to church and making friends, yet I know today I would only allow them in so close.
In the year 2000 I was living in CA and I begin to not feel real well. I went to the doctor to see what was going on. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing or feeling. I knew what I was going to be told. The doctor said you are HIV positive Allen. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was so ashamed. I was so angry with myself. I felt alone again. The doctor suggested that I go on anti depressants and HIV medication. I took the anti depressants yet refused the HIV medication. I chose instead to live in denial. I become numb and I didn’t care. I didn’t feel anything for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel at all.
After a year and 50 pounds I realized I wanted to cry and I couldn’t I didn’t care about my health, my life or the way I looked. Then I remember Donald. I went to the doctor and said I want to come off this medication. I want to cry. It was almost a month later when I was driving down the road the tears washed over me. I didn’t feel alone any more. I was still in denial about my health status. I began to work out, eat better and take care of my physical body.
A few years later I would go to the doctor again, not feeling well. He once again asked me to go on medication. I agreed. Within a month I developed a growth on my neck. I went to the doctor and said this is why I didn’t want to go on medication. What is this? He said let’s wait a few days and see what happens. The growth got larger. He scheduled me for a biopsy.
I was on my way to a world AIDS day event when the call comes in. My doctor said I need to talk to you, can you come by. I said no, tell me what it is. He said you have cancer a very aggressive kind. We talked for about 30 minutes and set up an appointment with him to follow up. I begin to cry.
I wasn’t really sad; I was more numb than anything. Yet I felt peace.
I drove home and sit alone and asked God to talk to me. No TV, No Phone, Nothing just God and me. What do you want me to hear? What do you want me to know? I am willing to listen now. I knew for the first time in my life I wasn’t alone. I felt God with me. I felt an understanding that I could choose to be happy, sad, mad, or glad what ever I wanted. God loved me just as I was.
My pastor asked me the other day, what I want to do now. I said I didn't know yet, God was still revealing that to me. Today I know, I want to share my story. I am not ashamed, and I want everyone to know that God loves you just the way you are. Right where you are. I want to love my brother's and sister's as I love myself. I am willing to allow that love in.
I want to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!!
I love you
Allen
