Honesty

Honesty

What does honesty really mean today? I have been thinking a great deal about how easy it is to tell someone what I think they want to hear rather than what is really in my heart. I am a true believer in speaking things as thought they are. I am also a believer in speaking what I want into being as well.
Where does that leave us with honesty?

How many times in my life has a friend talked about something in their lives and I have told them what I think they want to hear. There was a time in my life when my friends and family talked to me because they knew I would be honest and upfront with them. It didn’t mean that I was right and they were wrong it just meant that I was willing to be honest about what I was feeling as I listened to them.

I have been reading about intentional listening. I think it is of equal importance to be an intentional speaker as well. Mean what I say and say what I mean. I am reminded of something my Mom told me years ago. Honey, I can’t hear a thing you are saying, because you actions are speaking so much louder. Is that still true today?

I would rather hear from a friend who is really hurt with me, their true feelings rather than find out third hand from someone else about their true hurt. I have found myself in that situation now, not only do I have to deal with the original hurt, I have to also deal with the fact I choose not to be honest about it.

Don’t get me wrong it takes great courage to tell someone you are hurting and not go into blame. It also takes and open mind to hear that something you may have done has in someone hurt someone you love very much. It is some much easier to deal with, when honesty and love is my intention.

To each of you, I live the intention to be honest, and loving in my listening, and speaking with each of you.

I love you
Allen

How Fit am I?

How Fit am I?

This morning meditation gave birth to the thought about Spiritual Fitness. Over the last few months I have put on a few extra pounds, as I have not been as active as I once was. As I begin to give thought to becoming more active, to exercise more and get into a routine that feels better for me, I had a new thought. How do I notice when I am not in top spiritual fitness?

I begin to notice my physical fitness when my clothing is tighter than usual, or that I feel fatigued when walking up a flight of stairs. Or perhaps my doctor has told me that my blood pressure is up, or my sugar levels are higher than normal. Or perhaps I have looked in the mirror and been honest with myself. Then I asked what are the signs of needing more spiritual fitness? What are the signs that tell me that I have excess weight spiritually or mentally?

I was chatting with a friend on the computer this morning that is a morning person as well and they asked me why aren’t you meditating? I stated that I wasn’t there yet, I did my devotion readings, and exercise on abundance, then meditation, followed by my morning prayer with my prayer partner. An Ah Hah moment shall we say. I begin to realize that I had a spiritual fitness program in place.

I have to be honest I have most of my life put the focus on being physically fit, after all that is what I show to the out side world. Over the last few years I have changed my routine to going to the gym in the morning before work. My thought process was that if I started with myself that what fell off my plate at the end of the day was something other than me. Again this is my routine.

It wasn’t until cancer that I begin to think about my spiritual fitness. I begin to think of what I had in place to help me through this journey? It was at that time that I put my Spiritual exercise into place. Today I find myself seeking balance, and looking for the signs that might suggest that I need to focus on one area more.

Since starting this spiritual fitness program, I ask myself what is the first thing I think of when I wake up? What do I do when I find myself surrounded by gossip? How do I react to someone cutting me off in traffic? Am I feeling excluded, or included? What am I reading? What am I looking at on TV?

I find that the world we live in is very ready to tell us when we need to check in on physical fitness and the signs that you are not taking care of yourself physically. I am reminded of what one of my friends said I am only taking applications from folks who are taking care of themselves. I no longer have the need to fix others. Today I am seeking the balance with where I am spiritually in my fitness as well.

I love you
Allen

What would happen if I just experienced NOW?

What would happen if I just experienced NOW?

How many times have I said it doesn’t matter, knowing that I want every detail of every minute placed on my desk with a full itinerary all laid out. What would happen if I didn’t make the bed today? Would the bed fall apart? Would the fashion police come by and arrest me? Would the anxiety drive me crazy until I did it in need of order in my life?

All of this may seem like some crazy way too look at things, however I lived my life this way for over 40 years. I would say I didn’t want to know what we were going to do, and yet I would then set up to plan, organize, and full the free time with things to do, places to go and site to see. What would actually happen if I just enjoyed the now?

Have you ever had a friend give you a gift on a day when you least expected it? I would sit there with this item in front of me with excitement, joy, wonder, and the pleasure of not knowing what is it? Yet with each new day I would wake up and want God’s cliff notes on what the day held in store for me. I mean really what would happen if I just decided to wake up and be happy.

I am sitting in traffic thinking about all the things I could, would, should be doing; or could this be an invitation from God to take the next exit and explore life? Live in the now, the plan will always be there waiting for me to pick it up when I am ready. All my life I have had the plan for my life and to be honest yours as well.

I am so excited about a trip I am taking in a couple weeks with a very dear friend of mine. We chose to build in safety things like a place to stay and transportation while there. However for the first time in my life I am choosing to not over plan the trip. Over the last year when I would travel I have started a new game, what is the least amount of items I can take with me? This may not make any sense to some of you and total sense to others.

In the past I would plan a trip and any possible activity to the letter including the perfect shoes and outfit for the day. (Sometimes more than one costume change too) only to find that I didn’t wear a quarter of what I had packed, carried, worried about losing, on the entire trip. Not to mention the worry about it being stolen from the room while I was out seeing the sites. How many other times was I lugging around things in my life not enjoying this moment?

Where was the joy, the pleasure of a new adventure? I had planned it all away. On one of my last trips I took 2 pair of jeans and 5 shirts for 15-day trip to visit my family. I wore only one pair for jeans and 3 of the shirts. Somehow I had clean clothes everyday. I enjoyed the now. It was one of the best trips I have ever taken in my life. I realized on that journey that I often choose to over plan my life. I had more fun playing with my friends and family rather than worrying about did the airline lose my steamer trunk of shoes?

I love order, and I love the gift to organize that I have. I also want to enjoy the present gift that I just received from God. Today, this moment is a present, and what is it? What could it hold inside, how wonderful of God to think of me today. I think I will open it and enjoy the now.

I love you
Allen

Practice makes perfect

I was sharing at a meeting this week about relationships. Some really interesting things come up for me. I realized that I often get out of them what I am willing to invest. I also realized that often a current relationship brings with it the baggage from the past.

In looking at how I can live a clean and current life, I found that I needed to ask myself about my past relationships. Starting with my parents. Like it or not this is where I learned how to love, evaluate, view the world. Understanding that allows me today to shift my thinking if I choose too. I heard this saying once simple put “I can’t see where I am going until I look at where I have been.”

How many times in my life have I moved to fix a problem, situation? Only to find out once there the theme is repeated. Why is that? Location changed, I remained the same. A friend of mine says “anywhere you move there you are.”

How many times have I traveled the same road and expected it to somehow be different. How many times have I entered into relationships without expectation, if I am really honest with myself never? Some years ago when living in AL I started a new friendship this one was very different. In the beginning of the friendship we sat down and talked with each other about our expectations. What was I willing to invest, what did I bring to the table?

I find that when I take the time to do this I don’t have all of those questions. Where is this going? What do they want from me? What is going to happen once they really get to know me?

I also find with I don’t do this, that I spend a great deal of time thinking, where is this going? What do they want from me, rather than being current and in the present moment.

Life really is after all one big dress rehearsal.
I love you
Allen

Take time to breathe

Take time to breathe

I am starting a new practice with eating. I viewed a program this week that challenged me to look at how I eat. I find that I am often the first one to finish my food when dinning with friends. I could come up with any number of reasons for why, let’s just say I eat fast. It is like I am in a competition with the others at the table to see who can finish first. The challenge given was to eat with my eyes closed. After each mouthful I am to put my fork down. With intention and conscience of what I am eating enjoy each bit I have in my mouth. Ok time for me to be really honest here, I thought it was a bunch of hogwash.

Truth is I learned a great deal about the way I live my life from this exercise. It was like I was tasting food for the very first time. I could taste the sweetness in the bread. The lettuce was crisp and fresh, I am sitting here now and my mouth is watering thinking about all the flavors I tasted for the first time. Some of you may be thinking why would anyone blog about this? It’s simple really. How I eat is how I live my life.

I starting thinking about how many times in my life I would start a task only to think about how quickly I could finish it. How many things I could put in my day. I am very grateful for my ability to organize, multi task, and the speed with which I do things. The question I am asking myself today is, am I doing it with intention? Am I conscience or am I just going through the motions?

How many times have I been in a conversation with a friend, thinking the entire time about what I am going to say next? Better yet how many times have I been in a discussion with someone in which I am thinking of my next point that will make my way right? Is that really the game I want to play? Is it always about winning? Is it always about being right?

In my morning meditation this thought come to mind. I am so eager to try it out. When I am having a discussion with someone with whom I have a difference of opinion. I want to sit with them face to face holding hands, and then close my eyes. I want to think about my intention, and then restart the conversation. I find that when I am angry, hurt, sad, etc and I touch another person the intensity goes away. In eating with my eyes closed I am finding that I eat less, for I can hear when my body is full. I find that I am savoring the food with which I eat. I find myself excited about the different flavors, textures, and taste.

I know that time is precious, however I seem to make time for the things I want too. Am I enjoying life today or on a race to see if I can get to the finish line first?

I love you
Allen

I am never alone for God is with me!

I am never alone for God is with me.

This morning was a time for quiet reflection with God. A time where I was still and listened to the voice of God. I remember as a Child I never wanted to be alone. Folks would tell my mother I would never leave home, because I was still connected to her. When I was in my teens I left home, I didn’t feel I could be alone so I would go from one relationship to the other. I didn’t want to hear what the silence had to say to me.

When I was in my early twenty’s I realized that I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I would drink to fit in, to loosen up and be the life of the party. Then the alcohol loosened me up enough to find the anger I had been hiding so long and deep with me. With the help of a very wonderful friend I found recovery; however, I was still so very angry. Here I was in my youth and I could never have a drink again. What ever you did it was best for you not to talk to me about God. God didn’t love me that was very clear to me. I had seen God in action and I didn’t want any part of that.

Close to the end of my first year in recovery I met a wonderful friend named Donald. He and I had entered recovery at the same time. We because fast friends. He was a southern man like me and we had a great deal in common. Donald began to be very sick and after going to the doctor he found out that he had a new disease called AIDS. All at once the anger came back in me full force. Here I had a friend who was on a like-minded journey with me and God was taking him away. What had I done that was so bad that God had this THING with me? For the next year I watched my friends health go away, yet Donald was living life more than I had ever seen anyone live it. He had a faith in God like none I had ever seen.

As Donald and I come to our second year in recovery his health was all but gone. He called me and asked that I come for a visit alone. I did. On that visit he asked that I promise him something, what I ask? This went on for some time and I finally said yes. Donald said “I want you to sing for me when I die”. I said no I can’t. He said you promised and I know you are a man of your word. He also told me that he couldn’t leave until I understood I was worth loving. He said to me I am really tired and I am ready to go home. A few days later he made his transition. I was alone. I was sitting in a church for the first time in like 6 or 7 years. Crying my eyes out. When I stopped and prayed God if you really care about me at all. You will sing for me today, so I can keep my word to my friend Donald.
When it come my time to sing, it was like something took all the tears out of my eyes. I stood up walked to the podium and open my mouth. Out comes a voice I had never heard before. Once the song was complete the tears returned. I sat in my seat with a new understanding. One, God loves me just as I am. Two Donald was willing to lay down his life for a friend to get the message.

That day is just as fresh in my memory today as it was at that moment. Over the next few years I would make many discoveries. I would remember things about my childhood that were hard to look at. I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. I realized that I didn’t know how to let anyone in, for I was so afraid they would leave. So I would cut and run before they had the chance to go. This belief I held on to for many years. I want to state that was my choice no one forced me to do that. I started going to church and making friends, yet I know today I would only allow them in so close.

In the year 2000 I was living in CA and I begin to not feel real well. I went to the doctor to see what was going on. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing or feeling. I knew what I was going to be told. The doctor said you are HIV positive Allen. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was so ashamed. I was so angry with myself. I felt alone again. The doctor suggested that I go on anti depressants and HIV medication. I took the anti depressants yet refused the HIV medication. I chose instead to live in denial. I become numb and I didn’t care. I didn’t feel anything for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel at all.

After a year and 50 pounds I realized I wanted to cry and I couldn’t I didn’t care about my health, my life or the way I looked. Then I remember Donald. I went to the doctor and said I want to come off this medication. I want to cry. It was almost a month later when I was driving down the road the tears washed over me. I didn’t feel alone any more. I was still in denial about my health status. I began to work out, eat better and take care of my physical body.

A few years later I would go to the doctor again, not feeling well. He once again asked me to go on medication. I agreed. Within a month I developed a growth on my neck. I went to the doctor and said this is why I didn’t want to go on medication. What is this? He said let’s wait a few days and see what happens. The growth got larger. He scheduled me for a biopsy.
I was on my way to a world AIDS day event when the call comes in. My doctor said I need to talk to you, can you come by. I said no, tell me what it is. He said you have cancer a very aggressive kind. We talked for about 30 minutes and set up an appointment with him to follow up. I begin to cry.
I wasn’t really sad; I was more numb than anything. Yet I felt peace.

I drove home and sit alone and asked God to talk to me. No TV, No Phone, Nothing just God and me. What do you want me to hear? What do you want me to know? I am willing to listen now. I knew for the first time in my life I wasn’t alone. I felt God with me. I felt an understanding that I could choose to be happy, sad, mad, or glad what ever I wanted. God loved me just as I was.

My pastor asked me the other day, what I want to do now. I said I didn't know yet, God was still revealing that to me. Today I know, I want to share my story. I am not ashamed, and I want everyone to know that God loves you just the way you are. Right where you are. I want to love my brother's and sister's as I love myself. I am willing to allow that love in.

I want to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!!

I love you
Allen

Spring is here, what will I plant in my garden this year?

Springtime is a time of re-birth and new beginnings. Nature is blooming and life awakes after the rest of winter. I begin to think about all the fresh vegetables, fruit, flowers we would plant when I was a child knowing that come summer we would enjoy the harvest.

In thinking about all the goodness I realized when I would plant corn I knew I would have corn. Then I begin to think I didn’t plant beans expecting them to grow into corn. That is just silly. Yet often I find that I plant resentment in my lift and expect LOVE to grow.

In this time of re-birth I am reminded that in order to have love around me I need to plant love now. I need to care for it, tend it, and weed it of anything unlike love in order to harvest love. I remember that tending my garden takes time; however the blessing that come out of it are amazingly good.

Today I want to give thanks for my family, and for growing up in the country of South GA. Out of that I have learned that which I plant today, I will harvest.

Today I plant Love, Understanding, Grace, Peace, Joy, Friendship, and Forgiveness. What are you planting this year?

I love you
Allen

The Lord is my strength and my salvation tell me whom shall I fear?

Fear, is the force that leads me to worry, or be at dis ease with what is going on. I have heard that fear is false evidence appearing real.

In listening to a song that has become one of my favorites “The Lord is my strength and my salvation tell me, whom shall I fear?” I began to think about all my friends, and the wonderful things each of them is teaching me. I give thanks today for all of my friends, and the spiritual paths that they are on each one with their own spin on things. The beauty is that I understand today that God is large enough for all of us to have our own journey, and no one get to choose what is right for me expect me. The walk that I am on is so amazing when I quiet myself for a moment, and look at all the love I have around me. Each person in my life is teaching, or has taught me some lesson. In the last month I have watch friends work out things that I didn’t know how they would. I didn’t doubt their strength or desire; it’s I don’t like to see anyone that I love hurt.


I think about God in my life, and how much God loves me. Just as I don’t want to see my friends hurt I feel sure God doesn’t like to see me live in fear. I look back on what I have been afraid of over the last year, and realize when I surrender it all works out. I think fear for me is more about change, or letting go. Being out of control. Funny how the one thing I have control over (my emotions) I allowed fear to be the emotion I chose. The good news for me that in growth comes knowledge. The joy that today I don’t have to live in fear when it arises. Today I know that fear is an emotion a warring bell to let me know that I am thinking some thought that is not serving my well being. At that moment I have a choice to stay on that path, or change my thought process. Does that mean that the situation has changed? Over the last two years I can honestly say not in that moment; however with the change of my thoughts caused a change in emotion. With my change in emotion comes a feeling of well being.

Having spent most of my life living in fear of what if? Today I choose to know that God is my strength and my salvation. Fear is a choice; love and well being are choices as well. Which one serves me better personally? That is where I get to control the situation. I get to choose where I spend my time.

I love you
Allen

Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin in me.

I was reading a meditation the other day and it really blessed me.
“In order for peace to be possible in the world, peace must be possible first within me”.

I chose to think about that for a couple days. Am I at peace with my family, my friends, and myself? I realized that when I got the cancer call that it was a wake up call. Mortality if you would. I found that I spent a great deal of my time not really thinking about transition. When I speak of cancer today I speak of the fact that it has been the best 2 years of my life. Why? It has helped me to stay current, up to date on my affairs. I have realized that cancer was the diagnosis, the reality was I was allowing my life to eat me alive with conflict or (dis-ease).

I am so thankful today that I had the opportunity to look at what is important. Loving myself, which in turn ripples out to the world. It is my goal in life to be an expression of Love. I think Peace works much the same way. While getting my affairs in order I realized I had to clear a path, and clean up the past. Forgiveness is such a beautiful gift to give. It is one of those one size fits all type of gifts. I had felt that gentle tug at my heart for sometime to let it go. I kept waiting for someone else to make the first move. All the while it was moving in my body. Eating away at my life.

I choose peace and love today. I know that in order for it to be present out side of me that it has to be present within me. After reading the meditation I mentioned earlier it started me thinking about the war in Iraq. I begin to think, what can I do to shift the war? Peace. That is when the song came to me. Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin in me.


I love you
Allen

Where do I spend my time?

Good Morning Family;

I have had the pleasure of watching God in action for some time now. This last month has been one of those times. I had given my health care situation over to God during one of exercises on allowing God to do God’s work while I did mine. I had the opportunity this last week to really allow that to be.

I had received notice that I owed $3000.00 for last years medical insurance. I had heard all kinds of stories, from so many people. Each time I would just look to God and say this is your business, I am going to watch you work. I asked some questions of the people who had sent me this information and I received an answer yesterday. All I owe is a third of the money. All the past errors of folks handling this will be washed away and I would be current and up to date. That is a true thanks giving in my book.

I really want to talk about where I have been living. I received an email from my friend Major Deb today talking about her new address. (Thank you Deb) Each day I wake up I get to choose where I am going to live today. What I am going to say to folks who cross my path. I get to choose weather I am going to do my work, or try and do God’s. By that I mean do I choose to be the LOVE of God, or am I trying to be God? I have noticed over time that I liked to fix things. In doing that I wasn’t allowing God to show up in my life or the lives of others because I was playing God.

I know today that I am responsible for my happiness, and loving others where they are. The rest is up to God. I can hold your hand, I can listen, but the best witness I can be is to be happy. I have the honor of people asking me about my journey since choosing to be happy. This is really new. I have been in recover for over 19 years and one of the things they suggest is that you look for someone who has what you want and ask them how they got there.

I want you to understand that I am growth in progress; I know today that life shows up. When it does I get to choose. There are times when I live in an old pattern of behavior, and I find myself hurting, or at DIS EASE. When I listen to that quiet voice within, I know I can move to a new address anytime I choose. It really is up to me. Today I know the rest is up to God.

Thank you for being the face of God I get to see each day.
I love you
Allen