Take time to breathe

Take time to breathe

I am starting a new practice with eating. I viewed a program this week that challenged me to look at how I eat. I find that I am often the first one to finish my food when dinning with friends. I could come up with any number of reasons for why, let’s just say I eat fast. It is like I am in a competition with the others at the table to see who can finish first. The challenge given was to eat with my eyes closed. After each mouthful I am to put my fork down. With intention and conscience of what I am eating enjoy each bit I have in my mouth. Ok time for me to be really honest here, I thought it was a bunch of hogwash.

Truth is I learned a great deal about the way I live my life from this exercise. It was like I was tasting food for the very first time. I could taste the sweetness in the bread. The lettuce was crisp and fresh, I am sitting here now and my mouth is watering thinking about all the flavors I tasted for the first time. Some of you may be thinking why would anyone blog about this? It’s simple really. How I eat is how I live my life.

I starting thinking about how many times in my life I would start a task only to think about how quickly I could finish it. How many things I could put in my day. I am very grateful for my ability to organize, multi task, and the speed with which I do things. The question I am asking myself today is, am I doing it with intention? Am I conscience or am I just going through the motions?

How many times have I been in a conversation with a friend, thinking the entire time about what I am going to say next? Better yet how many times have I been in a discussion with someone in which I am thinking of my next point that will make my way right? Is that really the game I want to play? Is it always about winning? Is it always about being right?

In my morning meditation this thought come to mind. I am so eager to try it out. When I am having a discussion with someone with whom I have a difference of opinion. I want to sit with them face to face holding hands, and then close my eyes. I want to think about my intention, and then restart the conversation. I find that when I am angry, hurt, sad, etc and I touch another person the intensity goes away. In eating with my eyes closed I am finding that I eat less, for I can hear when my body is full. I find that I am savoring the food with which I eat. I find myself excited about the different flavors, textures, and taste.

I know that time is precious, however I seem to make time for the things I want too. Am I enjoying life today or on a race to see if I can get to the finish line first?

I love you
Allen

I am never alone for God is with me!

I am never alone for God is with me.

This morning was a time for quiet reflection with God. A time where I was still and listened to the voice of God. I remember as a Child I never wanted to be alone. Folks would tell my mother I would never leave home, because I was still connected to her. When I was in my teens I left home, I didn’t feel I could be alone so I would go from one relationship to the other. I didn’t want to hear what the silence had to say to me.

When I was in my early twenty’s I realized that I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I would drink to fit in, to loosen up and be the life of the party. Then the alcohol loosened me up enough to find the anger I had been hiding so long and deep with me. With the help of a very wonderful friend I found recovery; however, I was still so very angry. Here I was in my youth and I could never have a drink again. What ever you did it was best for you not to talk to me about God. God didn’t love me that was very clear to me. I had seen God in action and I didn’t want any part of that.

Close to the end of my first year in recovery I met a wonderful friend named Donald. He and I had entered recovery at the same time. We because fast friends. He was a southern man like me and we had a great deal in common. Donald began to be very sick and after going to the doctor he found out that he had a new disease called AIDS. All at once the anger came back in me full force. Here I had a friend who was on a like-minded journey with me and God was taking him away. What had I done that was so bad that God had this THING with me? For the next year I watched my friends health go away, yet Donald was living life more than I had ever seen anyone live it. He had a faith in God like none I had ever seen.

As Donald and I come to our second year in recovery his health was all but gone. He called me and asked that I come for a visit alone. I did. On that visit he asked that I promise him something, what I ask? This went on for some time and I finally said yes. Donald said “I want you to sing for me when I die”. I said no I can’t. He said you promised and I know you are a man of your word. He also told me that he couldn’t leave until I understood I was worth loving. He said to me I am really tired and I am ready to go home. A few days later he made his transition. I was alone. I was sitting in a church for the first time in like 6 or 7 years. Crying my eyes out. When I stopped and prayed God if you really care about me at all. You will sing for me today, so I can keep my word to my friend Donald.
When it come my time to sing, it was like something took all the tears out of my eyes. I stood up walked to the podium and open my mouth. Out comes a voice I had never heard before. Once the song was complete the tears returned. I sat in my seat with a new understanding. One, God loves me just as I am. Two Donald was willing to lay down his life for a friend to get the message.

That day is just as fresh in my memory today as it was at that moment. Over the next few years I would make many discoveries. I would remember things about my childhood that were hard to look at. I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. I realized that I didn’t know how to let anyone in, for I was so afraid they would leave. So I would cut and run before they had the chance to go. This belief I held on to for many years. I want to state that was my choice no one forced me to do that. I started going to church and making friends, yet I know today I would only allow them in so close.

In the year 2000 I was living in CA and I begin to not feel real well. I went to the doctor to see what was going on. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing or feeling. I knew what I was going to be told. The doctor said you are HIV positive Allen. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was so ashamed. I was so angry with myself. I felt alone again. The doctor suggested that I go on anti depressants and HIV medication. I took the anti depressants yet refused the HIV medication. I chose instead to live in denial. I become numb and I didn’t care. I didn’t feel anything for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel at all.

After a year and 50 pounds I realized I wanted to cry and I couldn’t I didn’t care about my health, my life or the way I looked. Then I remember Donald. I went to the doctor and said I want to come off this medication. I want to cry. It was almost a month later when I was driving down the road the tears washed over me. I didn’t feel alone any more. I was still in denial about my health status. I began to work out, eat better and take care of my physical body.

A few years later I would go to the doctor again, not feeling well. He once again asked me to go on medication. I agreed. Within a month I developed a growth on my neck. I went to the doctor and said this is why I didn’t want to go on medication. What is this? He said let’s wait a few days and see what happens. The growth got larger. He scheduled me for a biopsy.
I was on my way to a world AIDS day event when the call comes in. My doctor said I need to talk to you, can you come by. I said no, tell me what it is. He said you have cancer a very aggressive kind. We talked for about 30 minutes and set up an appointment with him to follow up. I begin to cry.
I wasn’t really sad; I was more numb than anything. Yet I felt peace.

I drove home and sit alone and asked God to talk to me. No TV, No Phone, Nothing just God and me. What do you want me to hear? What do you want me to know? I am willing to listen now. I knew for the first time in my life I wasn’t alone. I felt God with me. I felt an understanding that I could choose to be happy, sad, mad, or glad what ever I wanted. God loved me just as I was.

My pastor asked me the other day, what I want to do now. I said I didn't know yet, God was still revealing that to me. Today I know, I want to share my story. I am not ashamed, and I want everyone to know that God loves you just the way you are. Right where you are. I want to love my brother's and sister's as I love myself. I am willing to allow that love in.

I want to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!!

I love you
Allen

Spring is here, what will I plant in my garden this year?

Springtime is a time of re-birth and new beginnings. Nature is blooming and life awakes after the rest of winter. I begin to think about all the fresh vegetables, fruit, flowers we would plant when I was a child knowing that come summer we would enjoy the harvest.

In thinking about all the goodness I realized when I would plant corn I knew I would have corn. Then I begin to think I didn’t plant beans expecting them to grow into corn. That is just silly. Yet often I find that I plant resentment in my lift and expect LOVE to grow.

In this time of re-birth I am reminded that in order to have love around me I need to plant love now. I need to care for it, tend it, and weed it of anything unlike love in order to harvest love. I remember that tending my garden takes time; however the blessing that come out of it are amazingly good.

Today I want to give thanks for my family, and for growing up in the country of South GA. Out of that I have learned that which I plant today, I will harvest.

Today I plant Love, Understanding, Grace, Peace, Joy, Friendship, and Forgiveness. What are you planting this year?

I love you
Allen

The Lord is my strength and my salvation tell me whom shall I fear?

Fear, is the force that leads me to worry, or be at dis ease with what is going on. I have heard that fear is false evidence appearing real.

In listening to a song that has become one of my favorites “The Lord is my strength and my salvation tell me, whom shall I fear?” I began to think about all my friends, and the wonderful things each of them is teaching me. I give thanks today for all of my friends, and the spiritual paths that they are on each one with their own spin on things. The beauty is that I understand today that God is large enough for all of us to have our own journey, and no one get to choose what is right for me expect me. The walk that I am on is so amazing when I quiet myself for a moment, and look at all the love I have around me. Each person in my life is teaching, or has taught me some lesson. In the last month I have watch friends work out things that I didn’t know how they would. I didn’t doubt their strength or desire; it’s I don’t like to see anyone that I love hurt.


I think about God in my life, and how much God loves me. Just as I don’t want to see my friends hurt I feel sure God doesn’t like to see me live in fear. I look back on what I have been afraid of over the last year, and realize when I surrender it all works out. I think fear for me is more about change, or letting go. Being out of control. Funny how the one thing I have control over (my emotions) I allowed fear to be the emotion I chose. The good news for me that in growth comes knowledge. The joy that today I don’t have to live in fear when it arises. Today I know that fear is an emotion a warring bell to let me know that I am thinking some thought that is not serving my well being. At that moment I have a choice to stay on that path, or change my thought process. Does that mean that the situation has changed? Over the last two years I can honestly say not in that moment; however with the change of my thoughts caused a change in emotion. With my change in emotion comes a feeling of well being.

Having spent most of my life living in fear of what if? Today I choose to know that God is my strength and my salvation. Fear is a choice; love and well being are choices as well. Which one serves me better personally? That is where I get to control the situation. I get to choose where I spend my time.

I love you
Allen

Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin in me.

I was reading a meditation the other day and it really blessed me.
“In order for peace to be possible in the world, peace must be possible first within me”.

I chose to think about that for a couple days. Am I at peace with my family, my friends, and myself? I realized that when I got the cancer call that it was a wake up call. Mortality if you would. I found that I spent a great deal of my time not really thinking about transition. When I speak of cancer today I speak of the fact that it has been the best 2 years of my life. Why? It has helped me to stay current, up to date on my affairs. I have realized that cancer was the diagnosis, the reality was I was allowing my life to eat me alive with conflict or (dis-ease).

I am so thankful today that I had the opportunity to look at what is important. Loving myself, which in turn ripples out to the world. It is my goal in life to be an expression of Love. I think Peace works much the same way. While getting my affairs in order I realized I had to clear a path, and clean up the past. Forgiveness is such a beautiful gift to give. It is one of those one size fits all type of gifts. I had felt that gentle tug at my heart for sometime to let it go. I kept waiting for someone else to make the first move. All the while it was moving in my body. Eating away at my life.

I choose peace and love today. I know that in order for it to be present out side of me that it has to be present within me. After reading the meditation I mentioned earlier it started me thinking about the war in Iraq. I begin to think, what can I do to shift the war? Peace. That is when the song came to me. Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin in me.


I love you
Allen

Where do I spend my time?

Good Morning Family;

I have had the pleasure of watching God in action for some time now. This last month has been one of those times. I had given my health care situation over to God during one of exercises on allowing God to do God’s work while I did mine. I had the opportunity this last week to really allow that to be.

I had received notice that I owed $3000.00 for last years medical insurance. I had heard all kinds of stories, from so many people. Each time I would just look to God and say this is your business, I am going to watch you work. I asked some questions of the people who had sent me this information and I received an answer yesterday. All I owe is a third of the money. All the past errors of folks handling this will be washed away and I would be current and up to date. That is a true thanks giving in my book.

I really want to talk about where I have been living. I received an email from my friend Major Deb today talking about her new address. (Thank you Deb) Each day I wake up I get to choose where I am going to live today. What I am going to say to folks who cross my path. I get to choose weather I am going to do my work, or try and do God’s. By that I mean do I choose to be the LOVE of God, or am I trying to be God? I have noticed over time that I liked to fix things. In doing that I wasn’t allowing God to show up in my life or the lives of others because I was playing God.

I know today that I am responsible for my happiness, and loving others where they are. The rest is up to God. I can hold your hand, I can listen, but the best witness I can be is to be happy. I have the honor of people asking me about my journey since choosing to be happy. This is really new. I have been in recover for over 19 years and one of the things they suggest is that you look for someone who has what you want and ask them how they got there.

I want you to understand that I am growth in progress; I know today that life shows up. When it does I get to choose. There are times when I live in an old pattern of behavior, and I find myself hurting, or at DIS EASE. When I listen to that quiet voice within, I know I can move to a new address anytime I choose. It really is up to me. Today I know the rest is up to God.

Thank you for being the face of God I get to see each day.
I love you
Allen

A Giift to Myself

Good Morning Family;

I have started some morning practices that I want to share with you. Each morning when I first wake up I say Good Morning God, and welcome to my day. I then find my way out of bed to my office,where I spend time reading the daily devotional from my church in Oakland.I then take time to write in my gratitude journal something I am grateful for. Then I quiet my mind and meditate allowing God to speak to me. I have found that often I would pray to God,then busy myself with my day's activities, and wonder why I didn't get a response? After my meditation I receive a phone call from my prayer partner who says a prayer for me, and I say one for her. It reminds me that I am surrounded by love, and connected to everyone and everything. ALWAYS!!!!

After this I go down and start my daily walk to build my strength, and today it hit me. This is the gift I give myself each day. When I lived in CA I would wake up each morning and 4:30 AM and go to the gym. I would say to everyone I knew I want to start the day with me, and if something falls off at the end of the day it will be something other than myself. I realize today I had a hint of my awareness that I have today. I cannot share anything that I don't have. I cannot give peace, if I don't have it with in me. I cannot give Love if I don't have it with in me.

I was walking this morning and I realized this is a gift I am giving myself each day. I am choosing to LOVE me. I then realized that my body is a vessel and I get to choose what it holds. So many times in my life I have chosen to hold pain, anger, fear the list can go on. Today I know that I can choose at any time what I focus on, and in doing that I am attracting more of the same. It sounds so very simple, yet it took me 45 years to learn this easy lesson.

I began to think, in each moment if I were treating my loves ones the way I am treating myself right now would they feel loved? Would they want to be in my presence? Would they want a relationship with me? I am so full of gratitude today, for I know at this moment that no matter what live shows me I have the choice in what I see. I have the choice in what I say, do, and think.

Leaning to love myself is allowing me to love another.

I love you
Allen