cancer publication

Feb/2007


In thinking of what I might say about my journey that would bless others, and in some way help someone else on his or hers own journey. The first thought that comes to mind is knowing that only Good can come to me. I know today that no matter how life may appear that only good can come from each situation. I know that may sound a bit odd, but I hope by the end of this story you will have a clearer understanding of these statements.

In January of 2000 my journey begins when I heard the Dr. say to me Allen, you are HIV positive. I must be honest as much as I would like to deny it; I was not surprised at the news. Stating that it didn’t make the news any easier to hear. One of the first thoughts that went though my mind was Oh my God I am going to die. Then slowly reality kicked in as I have the honor of knowing people who have been on this journey before me. Since they are here to tell their story, it is only logical that I will have the chance to tell mind.


After the advice of my Doctor of the many new strides that are being made in the way of medical breakthroughs, and studies that show early medical treatment would ensure a longer life span. I had to make a decision that was right for me. With regular blood work, the fact that my T Cells where high and my Viral Load remained stable I made a Choice to go into Psychotherapy and not go on HIV medication. Key word in that sentence is CHOICE. I want to drive home to LISTEN to your heart. As a result of psychotherapy I was able to step through my fear and tell my friends and family about my HIV status. In that process there were those who chose to walk away, however today I know that had nothing to do with me. Should friends chose to walk away don’t take it personal everyone has their journey in grief. Out of my sharing my status with others it opened the door for others to talk to me about their journey and let me know of the hope that I had giving them and the freedom to share with someone else. I would never wish anyone this process, however I am very happy that my journey has helped make someone else’s easier.


One of the main reason's I did not want to go on medication was fear. Fear of side effects, quality of life, and to be honest having to admit to myself that I really had HIV and Aids. One of the ways I combated this was to change the way I lived my life. I began to work out 3 to 5 days a week and monitored that which I took into my body. I also began to seek out other forms of treatment, herb, accupuncher, and other natural medicine. I continued to seek the advice and monitor my blood work with my medical Doctor as well. In August 2006, I began to feel very tired and had a lack of energy. I didn’t really understand this as I was working out 5 days a week and was taking great care of myself. What was going on and why was I feeling so tired? After going to the Dr. with flu like symptoms and fatigue month after month, we checked my blood work again, and we found that my liver panel was elevated. Once again I was at the place where I had a make a decision that was best for me. Was it time to start the medicine and overcome my fears? I called my two greatest friends and ask them what they thought. The both advised me to go on medicine so in November 2006 I started taking the drug Atripla.

Everyone has their own journey when starting medication and mine was no different than others, I had nausea, dizziness, some wild dreams and more fatigue. I was very discouraged as the month went on as my Doctor had told me within a month I should feel like my old self again. I decided that a trip would do me well, so off I go to visit one of my dearest friends and while there I noticed a growth in my neck. OK now what? Once I was back home I made an appointment with my Dr. and he felt it was the lymph nodes reacting to the medicine and it would go down in a couple months and all would be well. I DIDN’T AGREE!!!! The swelling in my neck was increasing and the pain was more intense each day. My Doctor and I decide I needed more test. A CAT scan of my neck revealed several very enlarged lymph nodes. I was then referred to the Ear, Nose, and throat specialist. He told me he was 95% sure that this was not CANCER but a cist. He wanted to perform a needle biopsy to make sure and then he could drain the cist and all would be well. I was scheduled for a needle biopsy, while there I had a strange feeling... the same feeling I had when I was told I was HIV positive.

Two days later I get a call from my Dr. asking me to come in for a talk. I was told that I had Lymphoma and I needed to see an oncologist immediately. This was the last thing I wanted to hear, more test more needles and more blood work what next? After the needle biopsy the oncologist needed a tissue sample, which meant I had to be scheduled for surgery, not just any surgery one that could leave me with total facial paralysis. Me, not being able to talk, sing, or communicate with others, to tell you there was no fear would be a lie. I did however have total faith in my Surgeon and his staff. Surgery, PET scans and more needles than I thought we had in the USA was my next month of treatment.. Here is the GREAT NEWS, in all of this I knew this wasn’t the thing that was going to take me out. I knew God had more in store for me. I made up my mind that day I was and am going to live through this, NO MATTER WHAT!! Having this attitude has been, and is the best medicine yet. Every time I've had any blood drawn I looked for the face of God and God's goodness. Every time I go for Chemotherapy I call it God’s LOVE JUICE. I visualize the IV Fluid flowing in my veins as the love of God coming into to my life to heal and bless me. Every scan, every procedure I have I look for the good in it.... And goodness has to shows up every time. This is the attitude I have chosen to keep with me the rest of my life. If you take only one thing from my journey I hope it is that I CHOOSE TO SEE GOOD IN EVERYTHING!!!!!! I believe if you choose this as well it will show up for you. Thank you for taking the time to read my journey of Good.

Allen Mosley